But I'm leaving in 3 days!

Early yesterday afternoon I noticed that our garage had a faint skunk odor. I like the smell of skunks (in small doses), so I was fine with it. Well. It looks like Mr. Skunk decided to take up residence under my window, because all night I long dreamt of the smell. Then around 3 am I woke up to realize that the smell was everywhere in my room. I shut my window, but the damage has been done. My room/the whole house reeks and there's no way to air it out. Ugh. Stupid skunk.

I've been saying "yar" in my head a lot lately.

five more days can barely wait it's so exciting! can't wait to see irene and seth again, can't wait to play raquetball with ben, can't wait to take beautiful photos of nick by the ocean.

Wishing I'd bought that Thievery Corporation poster

While wandering the house and thinking of different topics I'd want to write about, I came to a realization. Late-night posts are not healthy. Every idea that popped into my head was one of self-analysis coupled with self-pity. Not wanting to get into that kind of rut, I've decided that tonight's post will (hopefully) be the last of the latenight variety.

I'm Totally Not Down With Rob's Alien

Once again, it's getting super late (early?) and I have to work in 5 hours.

So this evening my dad took me down to Tacoma to the shooting range. We both shot my grandpa's revolver at a blue target, taking turns to get groupings in a specific body part. I did best while aiming for the stomach, while he showed me up with almost perfect aim every time. I'm hanging the target on my door at school as a memento. I'm hoping I can get him to take me out and use the rifle before I go. Considering I have a little more than a week left, though... Who knows?

GOD, this week seems like it's going to take forever. Made an appointment with the doctor to check out the bump on my foot. Baked snickerdoodles and ate a pineapple. Watched a 5-hour movie. Reading books and cleaning room and in general just trying to find a way to pass the time, now that my hours have been cut back at work and my parents like to steal the van from me. Why did everyone have to go back to school already? Why does Western start at the END of September? I'm going to fade away into a mist of boredom and depression, everyone will forget I ever existed, and I'll just float about the South Sound for all eternity, searching for some excitement.

On another note, Bumbershoot was absolutely fantastic and I think it's just the jolt from OHSOMUCH to absolutelynothing that's got me into this cabin-fever craze.

listening to Rilo Kiley without hearing words

Note to self: Steer clear of petfinder.com for a few years, otherwise may end up with an adorable puppy and no time to take care of it.

Not sure what to do today. Considering sticking up the library to find address of person holding my books hostage (ie, got there first and checked them out). Mom's sick and doesn't want to go to Seattle. Disappointed. Maybe I'll spend more money and go buy the Collector's Edition of BBC's Pride and Prejudice. Which reminds me, I was going to google images of Jennifer Ehle. ... Googled Jennifer Ehle, and I'm disappointed. Maybe I should leave actresses I've never heard of in their movie-roles, as seeing them out of character ruins the whole effect. Although this also increases my urge to buy previously mentioned movie.

'Course, driving away means I'd have to wax the van first. Do you have any idea how big that thing is?? I guess I'm willing to do it. Maybe I could get a couple bucks for the job, too.

First things first. Put clothes on, dry hair.

Shut Up Already

To all of you getting the wrong impression: I'm sorry.

All my posts seem to be about how unhappy and stressed I am. Truth is, while this summer has been eventless to the point of being completely immemorable, I'm loving it. Today I drove to Jessica's bookstore in Tacoma and bought 6 books for $30. The place looks small-ish on the outside, then you walk in and it's like that bookstore across the street from Michael's in Bellingham. (Why is it that I can't remember the name of the bookstore I worship, but can vividly recall the name of the bookstore I disdain?) Except Tacoma Books is way more packed, the shelves so close together that taking a step back to read the top shelves places you firmly pressed against the shelf behind you.

The drive, too, was fantastic. I'm going to miss having a car terribly, seeing as my moments of zen come from driving with the window down and music blasting at all hours of the morning/afternoon/night.

My last day of swim lessons was today. Received a $25 gift card to Safeway that I would have felt lackluster about last year. I hugged both the kids with joy, because now, I can go grocery shopping! $25 is like 7 boxes of cereal! Or 6 12-packs of Diet Coke! Or a bunch of pineapples! I am so excited to use it.

Papa Erola called around noon and told me he wants to push back my moving day to Sunday, the 17th. Even one more day seems like an eternity. The 14th is my last day at work, and I'd planned it so I'd only have enough time to furiously pack, and I'd be in Bellingham before I'd know what happened. Oh well. I suppose my grandma's more important. Maybe I can get her to help me pack.

Whew

I don't know if I did it on purpose or if it was just a nasty coincidence, but I predicted how my whole summer was going to go. A week or two before heading home for the summer, I updated my facebook account to let everyone know that my summer activities would go as follows:

Well I been workin’ in a coal mine
Goin’ down down
Workin’ in a coal mine
Whew about to slip down
Five o’clock in the mornin’
I’m up before the sun
When my work day is over
I’m too tired for havin’ fun
Lord I am so tired
How long can this go on
I been workin’ goin’ workin’
Whew about to slip down

It's completely accurate. It's a rare day I manage to stay up past 10 pm. Between getting off work and bed I usually opt for reading a book, rather than make an attempt to go and entertain/be entertained by other people.

Take today. I'm thinking about turning off my phone so I don't have to keep the plans I made on Tuesday. Does this make me a bitch, or just tired? Not sure. I suppose more of a bitch, because instead of seeing Sam I want to go to Jessica's used book store in Tacoma.

Later that same day...

My parents left for some place this morning, not sure where. Let me check. ... Glenacres Inn. Anyway, most of the day was a celebration of solitude, as most of my summer has been. I got lazy and hot and decided to walk around in my underwear after I got off work. Here it is, 6 hours later, and the idea of putting on the boy's boxers to sleep makes me feel all itchy and uncomfortable.

Things I did today: ate two bowls of Special K strawberries and 2 granola bars. That's all. But you should see how many empty Diet Pepsi cans are laying around. Found 3 different tubes of KY Jelly in my mom's nightstand. You didn't want to know, but neither did I. I stole her quarters for this year's laundry money as payback. Found $150 cash in an old wallet that's been sitting in a drawer of junk in my closet for about 3 years. Melted down 5 candles - 4 in a soap dish and 1 in my parents' hanging candle holder. The whole candle search was the original reason for digging through my parents' drawers. I learned my lesson there.

I've been reading up on my friends' summer blogs, and I'm feeling a definite lack of enthusiasm from my quarter. Oh, Bellingham will be lovely. I'm psyched about getting up there and finding a job and really digging my feet in to make this next year work. But there's also that part inside of me that is screaming "ohshitohshitohshit" over and over again. Certain people can make that voice go away. Left alone, however, and that voice will tear through me and prevent any kind of normal social functioning. I didn't read books all through junior high and high school because they were more interesting than the people around me. I read them because I needed that barrier to keep me from facing my fears.

Has anyone ever heard of this? "Face your fears"? I'm sure the term has been around forever, but it's a specific thing that the boys on my junior high bus did to each other. Face your fears meant that as you got off the bus, you had to trip and let everyone make fun of you. I only remember two of them ever doing it, but it came up at least once a week. Well, this year at Western I'm going to have to face my fears. I don't have a cousin and a clone to fall back on. I might have to take Chanel's definition of a break from the boy just to get myself into perspective. But I'm not going to hole up in my room and sit around in my underwear. I'm going to ride my bike and walk downtown and sit in the coffee shops and finally go down to the Downtown side of the waterfront.

I'm also going to buy some candles.

Stars - Your Ex-Lover is Dead

Man. I just spent a good 15 minutes trying to log in to Blogger. I guess Google acquired it officially since now and the last time I posted, and they tried to tell me I have no other login than my gmail account. Very annoying.

I've been in a bit of a blue funk all day. All week, really.

I may be driving myself nuts over nothing, but at least I've got the support of my parents. Most of the evening was spent wandering in and out of my dad's office, laying on the bed in there and complaining about how bored I was. About an hour ago I finally spilled what was on my mind, and he simply put his hand on my shoulder and said, "I've been watching you. You've put a lot of time and effort into this, and I'm proud. Even if things don't work out, I'm impressed." Maybe it didn't fix all the paranoia running through my head, but at least I know someone's got my back.

Excerpt from East of Eden

Cal crept quietly down the dark hall and edged into the room where he and his brother slept. He saw the outline of his brother's head against the pillow in the double bed, but he could not see whether Aron slept. Very gently he eased himself in on his side and turned slowly and laced his fingers behind his head and stared at the myriads of tiny colored dots that make up darkness. The window shade bellied slowly in and then the night wind fell and the worn shade flapped quietly against the window.
A gray, quilted melancholy descended on him. He wished with all his heart that Aron had not walked away from him out of the wagon shed. He wished with all his heart that he had not crouched listening at the hall door. He moved his lips in the darkness and made the words silently in his head and yet he could hear them.
"Dear Lord," he said, "let me be like Aron. Don't make me mean. I don't want to be. If you will let everybody like me, why, I'll give you anything in the world, and if I haven't got it, why, I'll go for to get it. I don't want to be mean. I don't want to be lonely. For Jesus' sake, Amen." Slow warm tears were running down his cheeks. His muscles were tight and he fought against making any crying sound or sniffle.
Aron whispered from his pillow in the dark, "You're cold. You've got a chill." He stretched out his hand to Cal's arm and felt the goose bumps there. He asked softly, "Did Uncle Charles have any money?"
"No," said Cal.
"Well, you were out there long enough. What did Father want to talk about?"
Cal lay still, trying to control his breathing.
"Don't you want to tell me?" Aron asked. "I don't care if you don't tell me."
"I'll tell," Cal whispered. He turned on his side so that his back was toward his brother. "Father is going to send a wreath to our mother. A big goddamn wreath of carnations."
Aron half sat up in bed and asked excitedly, "He is? How's he going to get it clear there?"
"On the train. Don't talk so loud."
Aron dropped back to a whisper. "But how's it going to keep fresh?"
"With ice," said Cal. "They're going to pack ice all around it."
Aron asked, "Won't it take a lot of ice?"
"A whole hell of a lot of ice," said Cal. "Go to sleep now."
Aron was silent, and then he said, "I hope it gets there fresh and nice."
"It will," said Cal. And in his mind he cried, "Don't let me be mean."

****

Now for some back story to help you understand. Cal and Aron are twin 11 year old boys. Aron is blond and beautiful and loved by everyone. Cal is dark and quiet and unrecognized. He lashes out against this rejection by hurting people, making them feel ignorant and distrusting themselves. Aron believes their mother is dead and buried across the country. Cal has just learned by eavesdropping that their mother is the owner of a whorehouse in town.

This was the passage that made me realize this book is everyone's life, wrapped up in fiction. I've personally had those nights where I've cried for acceptance, begged some unknown force to make me let go of my rejection and the cruel thoughts that follow. I can't imagine many who haven't. To not be afraid of those dark thoughts simply isn't human.

Anyway, anyone out there who can appreciate a good book, pick up East of Eden, by John Steinbeck. I cry every time I read it, so you should at least feel some slight twinge of emotion.

Sick Day

While laying stretched out across my bed at 10:30 this morning, trying to fall asleep again, I had the most wonderful daydream.

I imagined myself riding my bike around the block. Naked.

One Month Later!

I've been informed that my blog is in sad need of an update. So here it is: my life story.

Yesterday during an impulsive trip to the ortho, it was discovered that my teeth needed just a tiny bit more readjusting. I am now the proud new owner of a very, very painful new retainer (well, thank god the guy does invisalign, right? No braces!) Unfortunately, this leaves me feeling not too hot. The boy saw first hand how much it hurts to take them in and out, not to mention what eating is like. Soft foods only, thanks. Today when I screamed my frustration out for several minutes in an empty house, I decided that painkillers might be the only option. Alas, the good stuff is well over a year old. It seems that no matter how clumsy and accident-prone I tend to be, it's never enough to warrant a visit to the doctor. And perhaps year-old narcotics aren't the greatest idea. Twenty minutes into my shift at work, I broke out into a sweat, got very very dizzy and very very nauseous. Fortunately my boss is very understanding, and I was soon slowly driving the mile back home to my house, where I could lay down and wait for the room to stop spinning. The pills, naturally, ended up in the toilet.

In other news, I spent much of the afternoon with Tommy, Hayley, and Jessica. Before the two girls joined us, Tommy and I dinked around with my bike. We managed to get the tires filled again (a superhuman feat, I assure you) but the Slime experiment failed miserably. That green goo's been injected into my tires so many times that it started seeping out before we'd fully deflated my tires. Instead I just stole my dad's hand pump and I plan on taking it with me everywhere I go from now on. I think I'll tell him tomorrow evening when he gets home.

Other than that, my evening consisted of many episodes of Veronica Mars and several packets of Minute Made fruit snacks.

Oh, and one last thing. I am loving this whole room/bathroom/entire house to one's self for the better portion of the day. My bathroom is piled high with clothes in a way it never was when Scott was still around. My new big bed gets more attention than my computer chair. Books are strewn carelessly about, joined by the many cans of Diet Coke that my parents keep supplying. Home is Heaven.

HiC's Legal!

... In Canada. Elaina and I went out to Anthony's to celebrate. They gave us an option of waiting 20 minutes for a table or going directly to the bar to eat. We were both insulted and pleased because 1) we looked 21! and 2) we weren't in Canada. Damn.

Things I got: 48 capsule box of Sudafed Sinus Headache, bag of Riesens, Communist Party t-shirt, free lunch, free pastry from worker at free lunch's location, a 10 minute phone call from my mother, flowers (from the weekend), free dinner, and the fantastic memory of running down the street in heels and a sundress, holding my coat over my head as the rain poured down.

Happy Birthday to me!

My Bad

This is an apology to my weekend companion: I suck. Not only did I give the worst performance of a sane person ever seen, but I had the audacity to put the blame on someone else. Last night I feel deeply asleep around 9:30 and slept blissfully for 12 hours. I woke up, sore and sniffly, to the realization that the constant headache of Sunday evening wasn't just from being tired and whiny, but also from the oncoming spring cold. The next few days will be spent napping and spending time with the couch while I try to own up and girdle my loins for next weekend.

Also, my birthday is tomorrow.

Blurb

With all these beautiful sunny days in a row we're having, I'm fast running out of things to do. Yesterday I talked to a girl about kayaking -- plans fell through and here I am wondering what to do.

Last night was a fun late-night frolick with Ben. He wouldn't call it any kind of late, but since we left after dark, I say it counts. Saw the movie Stick It, which is fabulously entertaining when you have no idea what to expect.

Tonight is the BBQ! It's possible that it will be a huge flop - too many people invited, not enough confirmations. However, the simple idea of grilling burgers and wearing a sundress is enough for me.

The end of the year is bearing down on me with the same unexpected speed that the end of last summer did. I've realized that this life is one helluva fantastic game for me. Studying, playing, lounging in the sun at parks on a blanket or walking back and forth across campus at night -- I'm going to miss it all. The friends I've made are ones that I'm hesitant to lose. Who knows how summer will bring? It won't be like last summer, I already know that. RJ will be in Seattle, so no late-night cartwheeling rampages at Saghalie. Gas prices are shooting higher every day, so even the Seattle<-->Federal Way commute could hurt. Chanel, well, I like to hope we'll just forget all the distance that's come between us this year and just be summer sisters again. I'm pretty sure she thinks the same way, so it shouldn't be too bad. (There's also one huge stress factor that's been resolved. No more moping around 25% of the time.)

Not that I really have a whole lot of interest in worrying about the coming months. Daylight is practically endless, the sun is out and it just keeps getting warmer. How could anyone feel bad about life??

Tag

This game starts with 6 weird/quirky habits/things about yourself. Fun on a stick, love.

1. I sleep with a pillow between my legs. It's supposed to be good for the hips, but honestly, I don't care. It's just more comfortable.

2. I only floss my teeth in the morning.

3. When I was 13, I stole two of my oldest brother's CD's: Greenday's Dookie and Third Eye Blind's first album. These days, I cannot stand listening to Green Day, but turn 3eb on every day.

4. Every time someone else says 'good' instead of 'well', I feel smugly superior. Even though I usually make the same mistake.

5. If anyone else is in the house/dorm, I can't fully relax while taking a shower.

6. I like to eat sour cream straight from the carton.

Hot Apple Cider

I went on a bike ride this afternoon! It felt fantastic, it was the first time I've had time to go out and do some real hard exercise since the first week of this quarter. After a fiasco with pumping up Jack's bike tires so Elaina could ride it, we took off with sunglasses on and hair flying, legs pumping and hearts thumping. I had one destination in mind - Fairhaven Park (or Chuckanut Park, I've heard both names for it). People were scattered about the park on blankets and towels, soaking in the sun and enjoying the afternoon. Some people played basketball, some played frisbee, several clumps of girls were laying around in their bikinis, and one couple was chasing their pet rabbit around on the grass. I'm planning on going back many, many times -- but with a good book. The Tale of Genji may be the first novel ever written, but that doesn't make it a good read.

Home

My brother, his girlfriend, my cousin and I all went down to Bellingham's Secret Beach today. Much like the secret beach in Federal Way, there is a giant driftwood fort. That's where the similarities end. This beach extends forever in all directions, with no gross port boats in your way - literally, it's just you, the beach, and the rest of the bay. During low tide you can walk out onto the muddy dunes until you're almost a half mile away from the 'real' beach. Dogs love it, they go mad chasing the seagulls and often attempt to swim the impassable current out to the other sandbars.

About this fort, though. Before the police came and tore it down with chainsaws, it had two stories and multiple rooms. Brent showed me the extent of the fort -- it covered more ground than the house I'll be living in next year does. All sorts of inspiring phrases are written on the different pieces of driftwood - some are also painted in exotic colors. Locals who built the fort are currently working on resurrecting it - one large room is finished so far, lashed down with wires - and in the meantime, a sign dedicates the site "In Loving Memory of The Villa".

Basically, I love that place. Someday a dear, close friend of mine will find access to a car, and we'll drive all around Bellingham together, exploring and discovering all these fantastic locales. I don't know who this lovely friend will be, but in the meantime, Brent will do.

I need to: eat at Diego's, rediscover the route to the beach, stand in awe of the expensive mansions along the way, find Brent's pink house, and fire-bake hot dogs next to the ocean. Next week Elaina and I will try to arrange a BBQ at Lake Padden, and if that doesn't work, I'm going kayaking.

Eye of the Tiger

Mid-conversation with my roommates last night, I stumbled upon a fantastic concept: withdrawl. Not the kind I'm used to, where I miss my boyfriend/sleep/reading/anything I passionately love and desire and haven't been getting enough of. No, I'm talking about the kind of withdrawl where you stop going to class and receive a W on your transcript instead of an F. So here it is, kids: Not only did I get to learn about Islamic conflicts in the Middle East and read all sorts of materials I never would have picked up on my own, but I don't have to write a paper about it and I don't have to go back ever again. Celebrate!

So here it is, 2:30... There are plenty of options out there, but I think I'm going to take a nap.