Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Supplies Needed: 800 mg Ibuprofen and Flipflops

About a year and a half ago, in one of my usual clumsy moments, I opened the door to my room over my foot, which caught my toenail, and ripped a big bloody chunk of nail off the side. It bled. It hurt. But in the end it was only a small section and I figured it would heal okay.

I was wrong, of course. It got worse, bit by bit, the damaged part oh-so slowly growing until eventually, this August, I realized I had myself a deep, painful, and completely out-of-control ingrown toenail. I tried everything. I got pedicures, where the asian lady mercilessly ripped skin away from my nail. I did my own home version of surgery, cutting away at both the nail and the fleshy part around it. Not much changed. It still hurt. I still felt a constant pressure on my toe. I guess I was lucky, though. When I first met Cole a few years ago, his charming way of flirting with me was to show off his puffy, pus-filled infected toe. Yes, Cole was the first person to introduce me to how horribly wrong a toe can go. My own foot never got like that. Thank God. When Cole got surgery on his foot it tooks months to heal, it looked aweful, and to this day I can't stand looking at his feet.

So basically, I had toe surgery today. My foot is all bandaged up to the size of a golf ball - I can barely fit it into my flipflops. The surgery experience was something I hope I never have to go through again. The doctor was nice, but I don't handle pain well. First he jabbed an incredibly long needle into my toe - the anasthetic barely kicked in by the third time he stuck me, each time in a different place, and that last time he went deeper than before and the pain was excruciating. Basically I sat there thinking "Oh my god, sure I can handle this, but how the hell am I going to have children? I don't want kids. I don't want kids. Oh my god, I don't want to feel anything like this ever again." He wrapped a tourniquet around the base of my big toe, too, and that just made it worse. Basically, I spent about 10 minutes twitching and breathing heavily and occasionally whimpering and just generally not having a good time of it. Then he took the tourniquet off, lowered my foot, and I forgot everything. Last night Nick and I were talking about the human ability to completely forget pain. Trust me, I remember the pain. I can recall the needle jabbing into my poor toe perfectly, the squeezing of my toe that made me think it would drop off in just a few more moments if he didn't remove that rubber tubing.

Monday, February 27, 2006

Fake Guitars Are Annoying

hmm, what to say.... lately i've been feeling a bit down in the dumps. but that's not really important.

what is important is that tonight, i went to a dance party. a filmed dance party, even. we rocked out to techno and bumped and grinded and eventually, it will be an awesome spoof of the scene in garden state where zach braff does E.

Friday, February 17, 2006

No matter what happens over the next few days, it will be literally impossible for me to be unhappy until at least, oh ... let's say Thursday. Next Thursday is the earliest possible moment I could have an inkling of a bad feeling. Why? You would ask that question.

Last night, I didn't feel much like doing my spanish homework. This would be no news to anyone. However, I did make an effort - I went and watched Spanglish with some folks from the dorm. There was a conversation about fondu, and such. But I think I said something that caught Ben's attention, because....

As I'm packing up for home this afternoon, around 4, Ben walks in with a GIANT tray of.. Pineapple! Little chunks of pineapple, hundreds of them, in perfect bite-size pieces. I have a huge gallon ziplock bag in my freezer right now, and another bag to take home with me on the train. Mmmmm, pineapple. I am so excited.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

shamelessly ripped off

Five rules of thumb

October 31st, 2005
  1. The stupider your ringtone, the longer it will take you to answer your phone.
  2. The twin miracles of childbirth and pet ownership render you unable to share one photo of anything.
  3. If your vanity license plate makes any reference to the make of your vehicle, the people you work with despise you.
  4. Ph.D.s who ask to be called “Doctor” should be prepared to refer to every college graduate as “Bachelor.”
  5. If you own more than one Enya record you might as well buy all of them and make a little fort.

number five. that's my favorite.

Sunday, February 12, 2006

Finished A Tree Grows in Brooklyn today. That makes two books in a row that made we cry. I know it's a generic topic - strong women overcoming horrible suffering - but I still love it. I still look for it in new books.

A Tree Grows in Brooklyn
The Poisonwood Bible
The Liar's Club
She's Come Undone
Fall on Your Knees
Stones from the River

All of them are on the favorites list. And they all follow the same recipe. They're also all displayed proudly in my bookshelf here at school - I couldn't tell you how many of the same are at home. Oh, books. They're an escape from living, but create a new life all the same.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Best Feeling Ever

Today was another sunny day. This has been, what, 4 days in the past week? I'm getting excited. Today was the warmest so far. I opened the window, put on my summer Old Navy skirt, and lay down to take a nap. (Yes, I changed to take a nap. Going outside doesn't matter, just as long as you're dressed for summer.) I fell asleep to a chilly breeze, warm sun filtered through the window, and the sounds of traffic below my window. It was the greatest moment I've experienced in months.

Nick and I attempted to rent movies from Blockbuster. We took the long walk down there, meandered for a while, failed miserably at renting anything, and returned to campus for dining hall food. It was dark and more cold than chilly when I returned to my room. The lights were out. The window was still open. I felt a flashback to this summer, when RJ and I would stay out until 5 or 6 in the morning. My window was always open during the night, then. Fresh air is essential, but leaving a window open all night isn't smart during the winter. Anyway, about my room. The smell was indescribable. Just cold and clean, I could tell everything in my room would be chilly. My bed, my pillows, my clothes and my rug. Everything just felt... cleaner. This was how it was every morning when I would come home this summer. I would always be in a good mood, exhilirated yet tired from some other random adventure, and my room would be dusky and cool when I'd finally go to sleep. Coming home just now has put me back into that frame of mind. I feel optimistic, energetic.

Today, with the sun shining, was the first time in months that I was aware of the passage of time. I absolutely couldn't spend the day in my room. Which is why I walked over to Nick's room and suggested a walk. It was good.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

What Just Happened?

Every now and then I get a hankering to write. I never know what I should put down, either. One of the biggest blocks I face is that I can't, literally can't, organize my thoughts on the computer as well as I can on paper. Every essay for class gets sketched out in a notebook first. My personal journal, though rarely touched because this is just so much easier, is full of revelations and phrases that I want to use in my daily repertoire. Also, this used to be a collection of daily activities and adventures. I never thought I'd reach this point in my life, but they've actually stopped. At least as far as I can tell.

Last night Elaina and I walked to downtown Fairhaven. We had no ride, due to her fighting with the boyfriend. It was invigorating - when we arrived at the Village Book Store, our cheeks were rosy and our hair was wind-tossed. We'd laughed and joked about jumping from extensive heights with no harnesses, we shared girly secrets and bitched about boys. Elaina is my best friend here at school. We've grown up together, off and on. She and I have secrets from each other, not really intentional, just major parts of our life that happened while the other was away. She's not a conventional friend. Knowing her is one of the greatest things my family has ever done for me, I love being around her, and yet. She is not a conventional friend. Chanel is a conventional friend. We don't assume to know the other person perfectly. There's more of an optional connection between us than a familial one. And I miss that. I miss a friend that I've chosen, gotten to know over time. I know I don't know everything about this cousin of mine. But sometimes I assume I do.

Basically? I miss Chanel. I miss our summer of driving in the Prelude of Justice. I feel nostalgic for our drives between work places, our evenings sprawled on her bed with the cats snuggled between us, and sunning ourselves on lounge floats on the sand, too lazy to actually get in the water. I thought I'd do more in college. And I did for a while. But there are too many days in between adventures where all I've really done is go to class and surf the internet.

I'm dissatisfied. And yet I love where I am. So peculiar.

Monday, February 06, 2006

Today in Class

Malevolent. That means 'mean'. --- my logic professor

Friday, February 03, 2006


Why else do you think I'm reading it? Do you know how many books were first in line? Psh.

By the way, this is that post dedicated to you that I said I'd write eventually.

Thursday, February 02, 2006

every time i hear that melody, something breaks inside

This is the first time in weeks that I've woken up fully alert. Five hours of sleep, and I feel better rested than I do after 10. Maybe it won't last. Maybe I'll fall apart around 3 this afternoon. But right now, I know for the first time this quarter that I'll make it through the day, get my homework done, go out like I plan, and not say "Fuck it all" and take a nap.

I read a book yesterday. It made me cry, it made me laugh, and gave me odd dreams about swimming. I haven't read a book that punched me in the gut that hard since last quarter. Up next: A Tree Grows in Brooklyn.