Every now and then I get a hankering to write. I never know what I should put down, either. One of the biggest blocks I face is that I can't, literally can't, organize my thoughts on the computer as well as I can on paper. Every essay for class gets sketched out in a notebook first. My personal journal, though rarely touched because this is just so much easier, is full of revelations and phrases that I want to use in my daily repertoire. Also, this used to be a collection of daily activities and adventures. I never thought I'd reach this point in my life, but they've actually stopped. At least as far as I can tell.
Last night Elaina and I walked to downtown Fairhaven. We had no ride, due to her fighting with the boyfriend. It was invigorating - when we arrived at the Village Book Store, our cheeks were rosy and our hair was wind-tossed. We'd laughed and joked about jumping from extensive heights with no harnesses, we shared girly secrets and bitched about boys. Elaina is my best friend here at school. We've grown up together, off and on. She and I have secrets from each other, not really intentional, just major parts of our life that happened while the other was away. She's not a conventional friend. Knowing her is one of the greatest things my family has ever done for me, I love being around her, and yet. She is not a conventional friend. Chanel is a conventional friend. We don't assume to know the other person perfectly. There's more of an optional connection between us than a familial one. And I miss that. I miss a friend that I've chosen, gotten to know over time. I know I don't know everything about this cousin of mine. But sometimes I assume I do.
Basically? I miss Chanel. I miss our summer of driving in the Prelude of Justice. I feel nostalgic for our drives between work places, our evenings sprawled on her bed with the cats snuggled between us, and sunning ourselves on lounge floats on the sand, too lazy to actually get in the water. I thought I'd do more in college. And I did for a while. But there are too many days in between adventures where all I've really done is go to class and surf the internet.
I'm dissatisfied. And yet I love where I am. So peculiar.