Thursday, January 27, 2005

the shins - so says i

horrible blues all day long. constantly fighting off anxiety, not sure over what. bus ride back to decatur, listening to the shins, overcome with the pointlessness of everything. i can't adequately describe it. imagining the future for me, ellie, tuey. chanel. brandon. that boy i drove home last night. where does it all lead? why do we even try?
i'm going to be front-porch rocker. old lady with tons of cats. i'll have no stories to tell, no dead husband and distant grandkids. i'll abandon everyone i've ever loved in favor of my solitude, my books and music. i'll destroy my cable box, use my tv only for art and foreign films. my house will be a blank slate, dedicated to my dreams of the 60's.
bought tim wolfe's the electric kool-aid acid test. been reading it non-stop. can't put it down. refuse to put it down. i want to live on parry lane, sit in the trees and sleep on mattresses under the stars. i want to be there when LSD first came around, before anyone knew what it was, when it was new and it meant life. i was born 30 years too late, living in a generation of electronics and consumption. life is a void. the people i see every day, talk to every chance i get. they're all strangers. it's all a game, and i'm wondering when it'll all become real, substantial.
scott says i've got senior year blues. i believe him. i feel ready to burst open if something doesn't happen; all this waiting around is killing me.
so that's why i'm going on a pre-work run. maybe it'll calm some of these frayed nerves.

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

this is what i want my life to look like. soaked from walking in the rain, endless layers of clothes, eating teriyaki and talking animatedly about god-knows-what. that whole day makes me smile. Posted by Hello

mexican night! there are other pictures, but they're not internet-worthy. Posted by Hello

chanel sees this picture and says "i like it, we look happy." y'know, as if we're not usually. Posted by Hello

hahaha... i pierced louis's nipple with a safety pin.. and he's still got it in!  Posted by Hello

ellie! she looked gorgeous with her old-fashioned hair.. you'd never guess we f'd it up like nobody's business. Posted by Hello

yeah, so, i guess no matter where you take them, boys will always put weird things in their drinks.  Posted by Hello

morning after, unwashed and unshaved. we're gorgeous! hot like a chicken pot pie.! Posted by Hello

gotta love how scared of chanel mike looks. and matt, picking his nose. Posted by Hello

brandon fell asleep in carda's, and yeah i know you can't see it, but there were red marks all over his face. Posted by Hello

311 - love song

dream one:

down by the water, i meet a man. he's sweaty and gross and attentive. i'm a bitch. he's sad that i'm mean to him, but when he leaves i follow him and apologize. he takes a shower and we're good. i go with him to a sporting goods store where he and a friend skateboard around, laughing and cracking jokes. however, no one touches the handrails. they're not allowed to. to be rebellious, i grab the rails and swing-jump down a ramp.
an employee comes over and starts yelling - i yell back. finally, i get to see the manager - it's johnny depp! beautiful. but gay. i'm yelling at him to listen at me, he's freaking out that i defied him and touched his railings. finally i scream at him, "why the hell am i not allowed to touch them?!" and he yells back, equally frustrated, "because i just cleaned them! do you have any idea how dirty they were?!" and we start laughing. instant friendship.
so don't ask me why, but we start running through the back rooms. there are endless stairs, dark and dusty rooms. we get to one room where the pathway opens only if we run right at it. johnny keeps expecting us to come to one that won't open. he's saying we should go back, we're at a dead end. i keep going. we finally come to one that has a little sunlight behind it. i run at it and fall, and the floor is cushioned. the door opens and it's a window, looking out over the entire city from an endless height. i watch as a group of teachers herds their kindergarten students along the street. kenny's with them, and i yell down at him. he looks up and sees johnny, but calls him liz. ellie appears next to me and he says something to ellie, too. then one of his kids gets hit by a car (no gore. just a distraction.) johnny grabs me and we run fast-forward back down the stairs and through the rooms, getting even dustier but not caring.

dream two:

involves school, classes, people i know from school. liz is running around a lot. it's actually scary how many people were in this dream - usually my dreams have unknown people, or one key figure.
it also is at work. a little girl named rosie that i taught wants my picture - she's a little older, i'm surprised she remembers me. same day, i go over to a woman's house for cookies. it's a very structured relationship. we talk about "safe" things, all very traditional and old-fashioned. neither of us knows the other's personality. she breaks our unspoken code and asks if any of the instructors teach under the influence. i adamantly swear that none of them are stupid enough to do that. but when i get back out, chanel's running around all crazy like, john's tired and cranky, and for some odd reason louis is teaching, too. none of them are on drugs, it just seemed coincidental.

dream three:

i'm in prison. tuey's with me. all our belongings are taken away, except for a few quota items. i use up my entire personal allowance to keep my grandma's ruby bracelet. so we're being forced to do workout things. and i'm angry. i seem to be angry and violent in my dreams. tuey and i realize we can do pull-ups, so we do those. we're convinced that we'll get stronger, use our time in prison to shape up and become rock-hard muscle fiends. the instructor seems insulted that we're not panicking, so she shows us this one trick where you hold yourself up, then pop an arm off. but it's a trick - she's using her feet for support. she shows the rest of us how to do it, but no one can. i try, and as i'm doing so my bracelet gets caught on the pull-up bar. she takes it from me (bitch!) and i try harder. i do it! and she's happy for me - she gives me back the bracelet. i feel accomplished, while tuey says she would hang out, but she's got that sailing thing she joined a few days ago.

anyway, there's a lot of symbolism in all of these, i think. mostly in liz and ellie being on either side of me. they're the same person, but different. the liz was nice and giggly, the ellie was smoking and unhinged but had a firmer grip on reality.)

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

bright eyes - bowl of oranges

"And I came upon a doctor
who appeared in quite poor health
I said, "there's nothing I can do for you, you can't do for yourself"
He said, "oh yes you can, just hold my hand, I think that that would help"
So i sat with him a while and i asked him how he felt
he said, "I think I'm cured, no infact I'm sure of it
thank you stranger... for your theraputic smile."

So that's how I learned the lesson
that everyone's alone
And your eyes must do some raining
if you're ever gonna grow
When crying don't help, you can't compose yourself,
it's best to compose a poem
An honest verse of longing
or a simple song of hope"

my life is composed to song lyrics these days. i wish i could make everyone i know listen to all these endless songs, make them understand the moments of complete understanding they give me. on the bus from osc, this song made me realize how disconnected people are from each other, and how easily a simple smile or kind look could change a person's day. if everyone made an effort, life wouldn't be such a daily struggle.
sociology today, the teacher confuses the hell out of me. she does it a lot. i think she wants to be my friend or something, i'm not sure, but she basically contradicts everything i say. in an essay i wrote earlier this year, i self-deprecatingly wrote that i'm self-centered. which i am. running joke with tuey about that. and she says that i shouldn't be so hard on myself, which i laugh about because i know it's true. (see, all our conversations go like this: she tries to say something nice/meaningful, i don't care but keep talking to her because it always reminds me of something else.) she says things like how i seem like the kind of person who has a lot of potential in life. i tell her about my brothers' theory about my future (they think i've done more with my life than they have, and that i'll keep doing amazing things). and she tells me not to be so arrogant. ...
but she was right about one thing. i need to be less hard on myself. i think things through too much, worry about the future constantly. the other night i sat outside and smoked with the eldest, and i told him everything i've been afraid to admit to my friends. he helped me out a lot, reassured me that i'm not going to end up clinically depressed when i hit 20. so all day i've been borderlining it, but after running (i failed. smoker's cough whupped my ass.) and eating, i feel better. work cheered me up again. (once i get the pictures from amy, you'll see why.)
tomorrow i'm going to get up early and go to the library the second it opens. i'll do my english and be prepared for class. (story about yesterday next paragraph!) i'm not going to slack and fill my life with meaningless hours anymore.. guess i'll have to abandon this thing for a while... it'll be hard, but i need something or i'm going to slip through the cracks.
anyway, about yesterday. it was rough. for some crazy stupid reason, i got stoned with ellie and mike during lunch. paranoid as fuck sitting in carda's class with them, tuey, and brandon. i wish i'd just stayed at third lunch and let it blow over in a corner, but oh well. ap lit was one of the most intense classes of my life. i found the underlying links behind everything i do, everyone i know, and what it all means for our futures. i realized my biggest failure as a person. i got completely lost when she gave an assignment. thank god for ian, yeah? i have endless respect for him. if i ever hear anyone say shit about him, i will kick their ass. he's confidant, smart, not afraid to be who he really is. i'd kill to accept my geekside the way he has.
different topic. my grandma's finally getting rid of her 20 year old bright orange cargo van. two seater. no windows. carpeted inside (walls and ceiling, yes!). it's huge! brent's been talking about owning it for years, but my parents offered it to me last night. i said no.. brent would kill me.. and i wouldn't be able to handle that much of a car with all the driving i do. but next year? he's going to have it all summer. he'll name it and everything. so when freshman year comes around, i'll be the cool chick driving around in (whatever he names the beast), and upperclassmen will know me by association. it's his party/ski/road-tripping bus. he'll drive it everywhere. cops will know him by the van. and i'll go for grocery runs with it.

Sunday, January 23, 2005

deathcab for cutie - we looked like giants

alright. i'm dying for bellingham. where a band like deathcab becomes inspired to write lyrics like

"god bless the daylight, the sugary smell of springtime
remembering when you were mine
in a still suburban town

when every thursday i'd break those mountain passes
and you'd skip your early classes
and we'd learn how our bodies worked"

missinglunchbox: but then, emo is about cuddly love and meaningless sex.

i'm living in a dream. imagining everything that could be, and refusing to accept how it is. walking in the chilly air, browsing through the bookstore. coffee with brent. waking up early and hungover, dragging myself to classes with unwashed hair. reading by myself on a bench. listening to emo constantly. oh, blah again. do homework.

vendetta red - summer

life is going to be okay.

i was having one of those blah days. where i couldn't see any future for myself. i've been nowhere, done nothing, i've made no impact on the world around me. i have no stories to tell, no people who've been made better by knowing me. it was aweful. i wanted to cry, but i couldn't. i just felt numb all over. ... i cleaned my room. sat and tried to do homework, but i couldn't focus. i didn't want to talk to anyone; i just wanted to curl up and sleep forever.

i don't know what i'd do without liz. she came over and talked to me for a while, left me to sleep. i got a few hours in, talked to chanel on the phone while i was still half-asleep. i don't remember exactly what i said, but i think it was rude... i called and apologized when i woke up again. liz and i got coffee together. we sat on the padded chairs and talked. well, mostly she did. but it gave me the determination to try again. it doesn't matter if i can't find people i belong with. all that matters is i keep looking. and when it doesn't work out, i can't let it bother me. life goes on. one moment doesn't determine the rest of my life.

so we went to the store. and we got useless items. i guess that's all i need to pick me up. ever since i was a little kid. why am i surprised i've turned out this way? it was so obvious.

our youth is fleeting
old age is just around the bend
and i can't wait to go grey

and i'll sit and wonder
of every love that could've been
if i'd only thought of something charming to say

Saturday, January 22, 2005

sugarcult - memory

mexican night turned out to be a blast. we fell asleep watching the little mermaid, ellie wrapped clinging onto me like an octopus (says chanel). we made a mess. we ruined kitchen utensils, stole mike's clothes, drank more soda than we thought possible, and started a fire with axe.

this morning... i have no idea where it started. we went to the supermall, chanel and i wearing skirts while ellie ran around in mike's sweats, we called her jose, our 12-year old mexican pimp. we bought junk and little boys' clothes, pushed liz around the mall in a shopping cart. later, naked shower pictures. "wrestling" with mike and matt. laughing when later, mike called chanel thinking he was the stud. endlessly curling liz's hair for her dance. eventually sending her off for the night. denny's with mike and matt, hating (megan?) the 16 year old they invited. mostly, bonding with the sister.

so, since i've gotten my head up and started looking around, i'm noticing how desperate i've been to have people in my life. it seems wherever i go i'm looking for some place to belong. thought i found it earlier... turns out highschoolers aren't any good to depend on. chanel is the new love of my life. my older sister, 'cause we've got the same haircolor! we can bitch, sit in silence, bust out with new dance moves, and live in each other's clothes. at matt's tonight, chanel was wearing all my clothes, i was wearing all her's. so, like i'm trying to say, we're a good support team.

in the middle of claire's, i hated myself worse than i ever have before, and loved it. imagine the scene - i'm wearing a pink and black striped skirt, white tanktop, black hoodie, converses. tons of gaudy bracelets, thick eyeliner and pink eyeshadow. singing along to the sugarcult song playing in the store. giggling over feather boas and being obnoxiously loud. mentally, i could see another person wanting to rip my head off. but it didn't matter.

in one day, my "awesome moments" camera turned into a blackmail camera. i'm dying to finish it off and develop the pictures.

Friday, January 21, 2005

alkaline trio - radio

I've got a big fat fuckin' bone to pick with you my darling
In case you haven't heard I'm sick and tired of trying
I wish you would take my radio to bathe with you,
plugged in and ready to fall

Shaking like a dog shittin' razorblades,
waking up next to nothing after dreaming of you and me
I'm waking up all alone, waking up so relieved
while you're taking your time with apologies,
I'm planning out my revenge

i love cora like my left foot. as i'm chopping up the pork today, she walks over and says "yesterday, tommy told me he's going to try and hook up with you. i laughed at him. i said 'if she shot down alex, no way you have a chance!'" awww, cora. it's nothing personal against tommy or alex. i just have a thing for white boys.

and mexicans!

tonight is mexican night over at chanel's. you know what that means. big fat grin.

Thursday, January 20, 2005

the good life - lovers need lawyers

so, up at david's on monday, he showed me this awesome cd by the good life, album of the year. it's 12 songs about a guy's 12-month relationship with a girl. a song for each month.

"I swear to speak the whole truth, nothing but the truth – oh, so help me God, I wasn’t cheating on you. Yeah I’ve got a spotty record, but I’ve been renewed. If you can’t believe me – then what’s to believe? Once you lose the trust you lose sincerity. I’m sick and tired of acting sincere to your accusing eyes and ears.

Yeah, I was drinking. Yeah, she was drinking too, and, yeah, we made a connection – we came from the same neighborhood. But, surely you can’t charge me for that, that’s merely fact –merely coincidence. So, there we were, outlasting the last call. We took a cab to Iowa for more alcohol.

Yeah, we crossed the river alone; I also went home alone. "

so today.. total bust. (after school. work always perks up my day, tho.) ellie and i were supposed to hang out with this 14-year old, to perpetuate the system and all that. he never showed up tho, so we ended up sitting in my buick in the rain eating doughnuts... eating our emotions, as the saying goes.

a girl puked into a garbage can at OSC today. i've been having another one of those continual conversations with several people - puking, guys in skirts. guys in skirts are hot. i had a dream about them when i took a nap before work.

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

jimmy eat world - seventeen

the cookies turned out... iffish.
the running didn't happen. of course. i knew it wouldn't the moment we stopped at chanel's cousin's to pick up some furniture.
we scared a stoned highschooler with our drum!
when we walked to the store, i realized i was glad we hadn't gone running. muckleshoot is the scariest place in the world to be a suburban white girl outside her car. the drunk mexican had the funniest accent in the world, but when he followed us into the store it got a little tense.
i love chanel's apartment. it's dirty like mad, and she lets me help clean it! we spent the whole afternoon vacuuming, sweeping, throwing stuff out and hiding things in the closet.
right, so back in the day when sam said i was a natural at driving a stickshift? ... he was wrong. chanel let me drive the honda and while i didn't completely kill us, it wasn't perfection either.
baking cookies was serious zen for me. thursday got me in the mood, hot rod circuit made me fall in love. i can't wait for her housewarming party. i'm bringing a cartload of candles.
honestly, i get through every day just by reminding myself how soon this will all be over. semester, summer, and i'm gone. high school isn't bad, i guess, it's just not good. it's not where i want to be. it's not what i want to be doing.

11:20 - so what do i want to be doing?

i want to be around people who aren't afraid to be serious. i want to sit in a coffee shop and discuss religion, politics, current fashions and modes of thinking for hours on end, without wondering if i'm boring the person on the other end. without wondering if they're just begging for me to shut up so they can go break something or laugh at someone's misfortune.
i don't want to be afraid to experiment.
i want to cook a dinner for my friends while listening to jazz music. i want to slow dance in the middle of a candlelit room.
i want to get lost in the suburbs, walk for hours along rows of cookie-cutter houses. i want to come home to my friends, not because they're waiting for me, but simply because that's where they belong.
i want to go to burning man! i want to be around people who wouldn't be afraid of burning man.
i want to live a life that involves mind-altering substances, but doesn't revolve around them. "trip to live, don't live to trip." i want to experience that mindset, to share stories that end with a moral or a changed viewpoint. i want someone to mold me. i want to mold someone else.
i want to giggle like a 5 year old girl and twirl around in a sun dress. i want to fingerpaint in the sun, get paint on my clothes and run through a sprinkler without worrying about my hair, my mascara. i want to do it with someone who won't remind me about my hair, my mascara.

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

billy idol - dancing with myself

black and white, final analysis:

good day

it was a girl night at work, chanel and i ran around doing crazy stuff. i cleaned the locker rooms in a pair of goggles i found, we made a shampoo cubby, and jamie invited me up to wsu with her in february. and tomorrow -- auburn run day!

soul coughing - janine

my day in black and white (so far):

bad: waking up. it hurt. 5 hours' sleep will never be enough for school.
good: it was a van day!
good: OSC. talking to vinnie while chopping onions, picking food chunks out of the deep fat fryer
good: putting my earrings back in. i won't give up!
bad: slipping in the mud
good: laughing about it
good: jeff-bashing with tuey and arisha
good: spending third lunch walking with liz, looking for my triangle
bad: not finding my triangle
good: talking to kenny and dj and the rest of the boys at lunch, not feeling weird about it
bad: ellie later telling me i seemed borderline-hysterical
bad: almost-panic attack in english. reminder: three excedrin is never good, my body can't handle the caffeine, even if my headache really is that bad. don't do it!
bad: finding out just how behind i am in english
good: coming out to the parking lot, finding that ellie made a triangle for me and taped it to my windshield!
good: at the library, a little boy was hanging upside down from the bike rack. his eyes never left me, even when i looked away to laugh and turned back to check.
good: talking to ian. yes, there are decent people in the world! not many in high school, but people like ian give me hope.
bad: i'm hungry now.
bad: i have to work tonight.
good: i just got an informational email about western's english department! (haven't read it yet, that's why i'm still excited)

Monday, January 17, 2005

the good life - album of the year

i almost wish i'd decided to row spring. god knows it would keep me busy enough not to think.

william: it's too hot in here, these windows are too fuckin' foggy!
chelsea: sorry, i'll try to tone it down a little...
william: it's not hot because of you, dog face!

incubus - megalomania

last night i dreamt of burning man.

it wasn't anything special, just some guy walking around, handing out t-shirts with a bull on them, giving them to the weirdest people i've ever imagined.

before that i dreamed i'd accidentally walked into my neighbor's house, and they had all this spy equipment pointed at my dad's computer. make's sense. he's got this deap-seated fear that someone is out to "destroy our network." and i've always had this weird obsession with my neighbors, bordering between extreme envy and hate. rich white trash.

it's 8:00. i woke up 15 minutes ago because my ears were bugging me (they're getting infected. no surprise there. why can't i pierce my ears without something going wrong?) my alarm just went off, which means i get to take a shower now and head up to redmond! william and david are taking me to see a chick flick. funny thing is, it's their idea. i've never even heard of In Good Company.

Sunday, January 16, 2005

primitive radio gods - motor of joy

the old one was getting kinda big. but it's still kicking. mostly for me to read back and daydream about my childhood.

i want to go to burning man. and i want you to come with me.

i'd be artistic and sharing enough to manage. i pierced louis's nipple with a safety pin last night. i like drinking absurd amounts of water. i like to interact and connect with strangers. i just don't think i could do it alone.