Monday, February 28, 2005

portishead - roads

i could kick myself.

the hell is wrong with me?! how can i have decided while still in high school that i'll never be a person worth knowing, that i'll never have anything about myself that could make someone else happy?

i spent 2 hours playing video games with tony, and the best i could do was give him a flower right before i left. no conversation, nothing. folks, i'm a girl with an inferiority complex of the worst kind.

i want to skip english tomorrow. so bad. love the class, really, it's the only thing i like about decatur anymore, but i hate fessing up i didn't do the work.

Sunday, February 27, 2005

ataris - carnage

horrible dream. my parents and brothers died in a housefire, i'm driving across the country with a cardboard box of possessions in the backseat. windows down, emptiness slowly creeping through me. the cell phone rings, it's tuey begging me to talk, i ignore it and keep on driving.

turns out cell phone rang in real time, so i'm up now from my nap. bob wants me to go to the pool hall with him 'n chanel, but hell no i says. i plan on food and homework.

crosby stills nash and young - carry on

before i climb into the bed.

stevo and i leave bobby at the pool hall playing for money. we hit up denny's for a milkshake and coke, talking to calculus man (justin) and stevo's waiter pal eric. comments about stevo having a new girl with him every night, me justifying that "i have no interest in stevo, he's just buying me a milkshake." bam! waiter eric buys me another one. awesome. three boys buying me things in one night (bobby paid for the table.) it's karma for buying bryce those three cookies, i tell you. anyhow, awesome night just sitting around at denny's, giving stevo advice for gettin' the girlies and such. we've decided to be friends. (awwww.) tomorrow (later today?) : hopefully hit up the gym with tuey, otherwise, do lots of homework. rough draft of poetry essay. read beloved. call federal way pool and arrange meeting with craig? (right! i got a new job! more teaching... yippee... but still. new surroundings, new system, equals interest.)

carry on, love is coming to us all.

Thursday, February 24, 2005

jefferson airplane - volunteers

it's like i'm thinking, if i read enough books, if i fill myself with enough music lyrics and random information about people, i'll find something in myself that will be unique.

i have it too easy. my life is plastic padded, tough impenetrable security packaging. i'm too careful - the parents are too careful - there's no opportunity within myself to let it all go and find out where i'll land.

all the chances are there. the people are in my life. i just have to let it happen. but when it does, i'm too restrained. ... i want some tragedy to happen, something that will make me suffer. something that will give a purpose or at least some kind of substance to the endless days.

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

eels - susan's house

stressful day... mother woke me up talking about the dishwasher and other meaningless chatter that i don't even remember. get to work and john starts it off by making his usual racial/sexual intolerance comments.. whoopee... so i got to put up with his shit all day, but i really don't want to rant about him, so i'm done with that right now. still dead tired, and of course i get to go in at 6 tomorrow. and here i thought i wouldn't be working much over break. not to mention how sitting around by myself for hours on end screws up my state of mind. left to think that long, i'll never come to any positive conclusions.

but i know what will cheer me up. scott's making a pizza right now, and i've got a book calling out to me.

"Down by the donut prince
A fifteen year old boy lies on the sidewalk
With a bullet in his forehead
In a final act of indignity
The paramedics take off all his clothes
For the whole world to see
While they put him in the bag"

judas priest - breaking the law

i almost play it well enough to show off to steveo. almost.

yeah so today? gorgeous. absolutely beautiful day. the sun was shining and the air was cool and it, once again, reminded me of summer. dani was in a bad mood over at ellie's, and somehow, don't ask me, i made it worse. so i booked it out of there pretty quick and went over to steph's. she'd actually left already for western (aww, sad face everybody!). but i knew that, bob and steveo wanted me to come visit tho. so yeah. i did, and it was funny, even though they made fun of me. then i went for a hike. it was so gorgeous. i wanted to ditch the guy i was with and just sit, look around, enjoy the scenery in silence, maybe get some headphones and wander through the trees.

then work. good times as always. and pool with bob.

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

presidents - love everybody

while we're waiting around for bob and steveo to get off work, louis and i ended up scaling the chainlink fence around the construction site by the old amc theater. it was pretty damn cool. this one bush worked as a springboard to launch us halfway up the fence. (not like we needed it.. but oh well. it was fun.) so little parts of the building (turns out it is a parking garage, tuey) were lit up spookily, the whole ground was smoothly paved. plus lots of regular construction stuff was lying all around, lumber and bulldozers, etc. as we were walking up to the top level, i was entranced by the prettiness of it all. walking up a ramp toward the open sky. i was thinking it was like a scene out of a bad 80's teen movie, the kind of place the sweet/romantic guy takes the girl out to impress her. then out of nowhere there's this skittering/rustling sound, and we both look over to see a rottweiler. ... yeah, really, not cool. it didn't come after us, in fact it ran the other way so it was probably a stray, but still. it freaked me out, i really didn't want to get attacked by a dog. louis didn't seem fazed at all, but he didn't make fun of me when i started walking away, so maybe he was inwardly worried. who knows? anyway, the place was gorgeous, and i'd love to go back another night, maybe with a baseball bat in case there really are guard dogs..

Sunday, February 20, 2005

gin blossoms - hey jealousy

the other day tuey and i were driving around when this song came on. good moment, where we just sat there and enjoyed our childhood 90's music.

tonight chanel and i sat in my bed eating mambas. she semi-napped while i read peter pan out loud. it was so relaxing i think we're going to make it a ritual. seriously, it's great how we'll just sit around talking about boys and music, then lapse into silence for an hour.

later i think we're going out to play pool, not sure tho, haven't heard back from bob yet. i really want to go out tonight, so i hope he calls soon.

Saturday, February 19, 2005

prodigy - smack my bitch up

mood swings are crazy. this afternoon, i sat in my car crying because i felt so completely empty and drained. i didn't want to do anything, see anyone, i wanted to crawl into a hole and sleep forever. (naturally, considering how little sleep i've had this week.) i went to steph's anyway, which helped. we talked to her mom about jake's party -- looks like we're going! if the western thing doesn't happen. please don't let it happen. we played guitar a little, and i'm not sure about her, but i was getting frustrated with only having chords and scales to play. she was probably feeling it to, 'cause we both jumped at the idea of - let's go buy sheet music! so we ended up at helmer's reminiscing about our days playing piano and clarinet, looking at our old practice books. i could remember vividly all those days sitting in my room playing the clarinet, the fingering to the notes were still in my head. i feel like i could pick it up and play it like a pro still, but naturally i know i can't. i just want to try. (too bad i think i tossed all my old books. anyway, we got maggie moo's and talked to the girl behind the counter about tuey's job and how gorgeous niko and chris (two guys that used to work at the aquatic center) were. then tuey went home and i took a nap. chanel and elaina both called me while i was sleeping - not cool. i hung up on both of them after about 2 minutes. 'round 10:30 bob calls me up, and it was pool time! there was a pretty long wait, and i was hungry, so we got some fries from denny's first. it was cool just hangin' with bobby, him bitching about work and me people-watching. and then later when tuey and steve-o joined us at the pool table, we murdered them. my game was on tonight for the first time in a while, i felt so pro! a couple games, i was even hitting better than bobby. oh yeah.

Thursday, February 17, 2005

alkaline trio - 5-3-10-4

what can i say?

at the end of the day, it all feels empty.

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

soul asylum - summer of the drugs

i'm going to cuss mike out so bad next time i see him... that ass! he made chanel get rid of nikita. but he's the one who wanted a dog in the first place?? so she called me up crying from the pound.. he's dead.

but cool thing, i made another Cake cake today! i swear i've got this innate sense of when someone's going to need a cake. kenny gets a concussion with the first one, now chanel's all teary. and of course i loved just baking it anyway, dancing around our brand-spankin' new kitchen all by myself. and my alkaline trio cd's came in the mail today! hell yes!

Monday, February 14, 2005

mighty mighty bosstones - you gotta go

went out to the family fun center, looked retarded in the batting cages. 50 balls, and i hit two. tommy hit the jackpot in the arcade, i only got about 400 of the 1500 tickets we won. ended up getting funky crazy hats and little-kid lollipops, plus old-school rubber poppers and a ninja especially for the wangman. that kid spent way too much money tho. fifty dollars on dinner. bought me a rose. paid for everything, even put up with traffic to come pick me up. awww. i love getting the royal treatment. the best part is, it was totally just a fun thing, no emotional issues to deal with at all.

now, tho, it's time for bed. didn't sleep at all last night and i can feel it sneaking up on me.

Sunday, February 13, 2005

finch - stay with me

my tongue is bleeding, and i'm dehydrated. now i need to start my homework. not cool. hello, no-doz.

saturday. went with dj down to chanel's, asshole roommate had locked the dog in her room. so i got to bitch out the lame friend who sits around, cleans the house, and does whatever she can in hopes that mike will like her. not happening.. the girl's pathetic... i feel horrible because i can see how the two of us could be alike. i want to slap her and tell her to stand up for herself, have some respect. anyway. she's dumb, and chanel says i scared her. dj 'n i then got kenny, drove up to alki and around seattle scoping out his plans for v-day. it was all good fun, minus the shitty cough i've had which makes it difficult to talk normally.

today. massive headache from all the screeching kids at work. get home looking forward to a nap, doing some homework.. chanel calls begging for help, the house was full of people she couldn't stand. so i headed over there, we made a mess cutting up magazines and listening to finch and brand new. then we got bored.

we drove up to bothell. i wanted to find an old park my parents used to take me to. it's called fisherman's wharf, i think. i remember the statue of the fisherman, a pond, and a bunch of rocks i used to jump from. we tried a gas station and a grocery store trying to find directions, but no one knew where it was. so instead, we sat and ate ice cream with the dog, then drove back listening to techno. good night, definitely. but i really wanted to find that park.

Saturday, February 12, 2005

box car racer - sorrow

i pulled off one of the best nights ever in history of awesome pulled-off nights.

i "broke into" a firehouse (read: bonney had a key). we dressed up in the clothes and helmets like little kids, sat in the firetrucks and took tons of goofy pictures. we went to bob's and played massive amounts of foozball, getting more rowdy about it after every game. i stood out in the rain and met nick, the most beautiful man in the world (says william). greg drove me around on the beach in his truck while he told me about his broken heart and other problems. i felt horrible for him, wanted to wrap him up in a blanket and make him cocoa. instead, we all piled on a mattress and he fell asleep while i played with his hair.

before that, of course, i got back at tony for stealing all my stuff. greg went through his clothes and found the shirts tony wears the most. and i took them. i used them as a pillow this morning while we were driving. probably drooled on them too.

chanel rubbed william's sweatshirt in her armpits.

the only bad thing was trying to sleep with four other people in the room. it got hot and sweaty and i was thirsty, but i couldn't get up 'cause bonney had a death grip on me. urgh. i'm dying to take a shower now... haha, at work, i was scratching my back and found dirt under my fingernails. but i guess i can do it tomorrow before work, 'cause now i've got to pick up nikita and hang out with dj! awesome! haven't seen the guy in forever and i've missed his boyish charm.

Thursday, February 10, 2005

sunny day real estate - two promises

shanaynay161: i heart u more than all the coffee beans in the world

so tuey and i spent the afternoon driving around looking for the municipal court, ski goggles, windows down, rocking to sublime. sun shining beautifully. our jam session only lasted a few minutes before i had to go work, but it was cool anyway. we're the lamest rock stars evah!

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

unsung zeros - intermission

If the world should end, and we both die tonight.
I'd have no more time to say the things I might.
Had I known that this last hour would come so soon.
I'd have spent the last year speaking just to you.
And they'd be awkward all the things I would have said.
And that's the reason they have not been spoken yet.
But they mean too much to let them go unheard.
Even if I cannot really find the words.

it's so emo it hurts.

cole and i agree - life is good. honestly, could i have asked for a more perfect day?

school ended. thank god. i stopped by rowe's real quick to talk about educational things, and she told me about western (yay!). so i drive home with the sun shining, windows down. i got to my house, didn't feel like going inside. besides, kimbrough and tony were meeting me at my house, and i wanted to enjoy the sunshine! but i only got about a minute of sitting with the door open before they drive up in kimbrough's brand-spankin'-new mazda3! 2005, 147 miles on it. it's gorgeous.

so we sat, and chilled, and spoke words. tony went ADD and played with everything he could find (which is weird, because i've thrown out pretty much everything in prep for living out of boxes). kimbrough played on the computer lots. and i got my guitar! so i kind of half-ignored them while i played with it, looked at it and drooled over it. but chanel came over, and brought the dog! so that added excitement a little. they dropped the dog into the hole where our stove is supposed to be... yeah... lots of videotaping with the camcorder. and pictures. great moment, all of us sitting on the countertops, michael laying down and tony's got the sun shining behind him, while i take phone pictures of chanel drinking soda.

then tuey came over! score yeah. she helped me tune my guitar. chanel left and we set out to dye tony's hair. he stole my gator spirit shirt (not cool) but.. well, i got his shirt, which smells like him. and he smells good. so i guess it's a fair trade.. for now.

so we go to fred meyer after tuey leaves. i needed a camera. while running around, we spot a ladder in the toy aisle. on the very top of the shelf - a kid's playhouse. michael makes the appropriate "hmm" sounds, tony asks which state we're in (oh man.. the implications of that question... i love those boys to death.) so tony ends up on top of the shelves, waving out the window of the playhouse. picture, duh. so many freakin' pictures were taken.

so then i come home, they leave, and i'm sittin' around bonding with my guitar. but i feel like i'm stumped - sad to say, i just don't have the talent to pull it off by myself. plus i'd been thinking about the leftover hair dye. so i got up and dyed my hair - oohhh! i'll probably hate it in a few days, but i just had to copy all the dramatic emo kids at school. red bleach and brown. like karli moorehead's neopolitan hair from camp gilead... next i'm going to cut it. maybe?

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

antiflag - turncoat

made a cd for david (the osc one), but now that i'm listening to it, i don't want to give it to him. it's punk/mosh music, plus random 80's songs and a few of my "must-have" tracks. dandy warhols, duh.

so i'd forgotten, but last weekend i fought with mike over who had the better underwear. ended up having a judging contest in the kitchen, and now he's got the pictures up on his wall. kinda cool, except it's mike.

my foot started bleeding at work. so did my lip.

Monday, February 07, 2005

saves the day - a drag in d flat

man, i've been feeling melancholy off and on all day. spent the whole afternoon with tuey, which was awesome the entire time. if only it was that easy to relax around other people.. but, cool moment, driving home from the terrible school. (i hate being there. despise every moment in that school. i can only stand it when i'm bullshitting with a teacher about educational shit. any time i'm around people i know, i'm itching for something to happen. for me to have something to say.)

ellie's walking down the street, i pick her up. we drive to my house, but the parents were home so neither of us wanted to go inside. instead, we opened up the car doors and talked about life, loneliness, and muscles. at one point, i'm talking to tuey on the phone and kicking the car door open and closed, while ellie reads her anne rice book. it was a nice, sunny afternoon moment that put me in mind of summer. then my mom came out and yelled at me about my guitar.

Sunday, February 06, 2005

oasis - wonderwall

right now. there is the cutest puppy in the world. asleep on my bed. she's tired from when i made her run around in the rain. the little green hippo chanel gave her is turning brown because it'd been chewed so much.

this weekend hasn't been too exciting, but i've enjoyed it. friday night, tommy and i drove around for endless hours listening to deathcab and bright eyes, getting lost up in burien and drinking starbucks. then i got tired, so i came home around 10, and chanel and liz stopped by before leaving me to sleep. saturday i did lots of homework and worked on some scholarships (working on those right now again). i don't know what time, but elaina calls me up and says "come to the mall! (the commons) i'm here!" so... yeah, my cousin from long beach showed up at the mall, we ate subway and took some hilarious freakin' photo booth pictures. then i came home, and tuey called and the boys had bailed on us for eating at the restaurant. so i went to chanel's!

chanel's was awesome. simply fantastic. i helped her clean her room while we waited for people to show up, and when they did it got fun! ozz made some really great comfortable screws, and me, chanel, ozz, and his friend mike kind of singled ourselves out of the group and got really drunk. ozz lit a toy car on fire, i played with the puppy, and chanel did the party mingle thing. we ran around the park and had to hold onto each other to stand up. we huddled and switched names too many times to remember. then all this morning, everyone had cleared out and it was only me, chanel, and ozz sitting around with the puppy some more. it was comfortable, just laying in bed and talking and laughing. i loved it, naturally. but chanel had to work and ozz had a superbowl church party to get to, so i took nikita (the puppy) home with me and haven't done much of anything since. oh, well, i brushed my teeth. and my hair got wet in the rain, so that counts as washing it, right?

edit (10:30) - awesome way to finish out the weekend. climbed a giant hill with ellie, dani, william, and the dog. we gazed out across the tacoma tideflats and watched the little boxcar houses and cars moving along in their perfect suburbia. then william and i went to tuey's, where we ate and talked. the dog went home with chanel, and i was sad... but then me, tuey, bobby, and stevo all went to the pool hall for 3 games, and bowling. i reek of cigarettes, but it's okay. we talked music and drama.

Thursday, February 03, 2005

blind melon - change

oh wow. today was such a huge change from the last couple weeks of first semester. those 5 days sleeping non-stop totally caught me up on the sleep debt. so instead of being blah, antisocial, lemme cut my meat, it was easy to talk to my stoner group! leslie and i sang lion king songs, vinnie showed off his hair, i made racist comments to alex, and ginger and i got in a fight. even david said he'd missed me. my instructor said he'd been expecting me to crash, he'd been watching me get more blah and blah (different wording) for a few weeks and at the end he knew i wouldn't be healthy much longer.

school was mostly blah. decatur has been a drag for the last two years, but now that the end is so close, it's almost impossible to stand. i sat on a computer most of the day and researched scholarships for western, filled out a few forms, and made a list of possible careers (and general shit i want to do at college.)

after school i shop vac'd my room! that was exciting, seriously. shop vacs are ten million times better than your everyday vaccuum. but then i had nothing to do, so i went into work early and talked to jamie and chanel. because i love them.

last day of lessons always go the fastest. thank god!

i totally rubbed my delinquency off on everyone else. bryce was closing sans amy tonight, so we were already going to half ass it. but see, they've got this box.. where all the parents of the kids put their evaluations of how we taught that session.. the bosses padlock the box so we don't get to see the comments until almost a month later, after we've forgotten who to direct our anger at. so instead, i got chanel and bryce to go comment fishing with me! we sat for half an hour digging every last comment out of that box with paperclips and our small womanly fingers. here are some of the comments we saved our bosses from seeing:

daniel: "i think daniel needs to be more involved in teaching. in all the classes that my kids have been with him, their skill level has gone down. i have decided to quit lessons here for the only reason that your instructors are inadequate."

chanel: "she was overly cautious and prejudged the students. she wasn't very good at disaplining (yes, spelled that way on paper) students - not consistent. depended on her mood - she always acted like she was cold."

overly cautious my ass. chanel is one of the best instructors we've got (i think). every time i see her she's got the kids laughing and involved - meanwhile, my kids get bored while i redo the same thing every single day.

oh, but highlight! i got to play marco polo for a half hour with my favorite students, tony and james and rhianna (and a few others). i've been teaching those kids for 2 sessions now and i lurrv them!

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

smashing pumpkins - daydream

CaptainSEDUCT0: but you have to live with the shame of being "the girl who puked in that guys mouth that one time"

smashing pumpkins - luna

"What moon songs
Do you sing your babies
What sunshine
Do you bring"

i thought i'd sit on my ass all day. watch gone with the wind until my head was warped and i was speaking with a southern dialect. but hollywood video didn't have it in. !!!!

instead, i hung out with tuey!! omg like whoa! it was awesome. i love my tuey. we don't spend enough together anymore. so we went to the store and bought arts 'n craft supplies, plus lots of candy. because candy is good. and she scared a couple people with her enthusiasm over gum, while i yelled at the u-scan for being stupid. we both got very angry over their new fred meyer rewards cards. fred meyer was the only store not to give in and make a special card just for its shoppers! ugh. now i have to add another one to the key ring. how lame. and then.. that's right.. taco time! the drive over was great, naturally, with no less than three life-threatening moments. i tell ya, driving with tuey is unlike any other experience in the world. back at my house, she played guitar like a rock star, while i started my art project. eventually she left me for her boyfriend, but that's okay. my mom came home pretty soon after, and my mom doesn't like my friends (she thinks they're going nowhere in life).

i'm getting used to this whole solitude-thing. not talking to anyone for days on end, not seeing anyone, not socializing.. i hate it, passionately, but what can i do? i'm just not the cool kid to hang out with anymore. so i've had all this energy today, and lots of time to use it. i did what i always do. rearranged the walls. the pictures had been creeping me out during the fever, all those faces watching me and smiling... now, since this has happened a couple times to me during various states of mind, i finally decided to do something about it. i ripped it all down. the posters, the signs, my walls were completely blank. too blank. so i put some of it back up, but there's still lots of white space. went through all the pictures and picked out the best of the best, stashed away the rest in the box.

i tore down the walls in the morning. i went to the store in the afternoon. between then, i went to school right when it got out and picked up my homework from the classes i'd missed. i also snatched my sociology poster before she threw it out (sadly, this was actually something i was scared of while i was sick.) as i was walking around with this poster, i was struck with how easily i was looking at some of the greatest moments of my life, all at once, and moving around at the same time. this is where my inspiration struck.

i made posters! all the pictures, taped to pieces of poster paper. the first one is a beautiful collage of all my favorite pictures from the stack. the second was half-assed, just filling in the spaces, but not very well. i gave myself some time before starting the third, and that break was a good idea. the third turned out... perfect! to me, at least. i doubt anyone will be able to tell why it's so special. but it gave me a lot of satisfaction to work on it. they all did. i like making artsy-craft things. if i could spend my life working with hard materials, not behind some computer desk or in front of a conference table selling cell phones, i'd be happy. i was talking to the guy putting in tile in our kitchen today. i was thinking, you know, if it weren't such a shitty career to tell the parents about, i could really get into putting in tile, doing roofing, just regular construction stuff.

maybe i'll get a summer job painting houses while i'm up at western.

oh, interesting thing. i was trying to freeze a charleston chew, only to find that the little freezer in my mini-fridge has exploded! i kid you not. there are about 3 square inches of space to put things. the rest is all ice. there's even a huge mound of ice on the outside of the little white box. how/why this happened, i have no clue. but it scared me when i saw it.

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

tripping daisy - i got a girl

longest (best) waste of a day ever. the fever wore off, so i'm left feeling fine, except the complete weakness and lack of energy in every part of my body. instead of going to school and work, i sat on the couch (all day!) watching movies. say anything - i'm in love with john cusack. clerks - i want to work at a mini mart. and.. drumroll please... at least 4 hours of pride and prejudice! (!!!) i want to marry colin firth. i'm thinking in a british accent, i want to romp around the english countryside in a flowing white dress. tomorrow, i think i'm going to tackle gone with the wind.