Saturday, April 30, 2005

dispatch - railway

what can i possibly put in here? what would i actually want to write about?

this morning, about 3 minutes ago, i finished i know this much is true. that, and staying out late last night, has left me feeling a little light-headed. history, obligations, patience. three things i have no appreciation for. my mom was talking to me about cassandra's graduation this morning. i guess it's just been hitting me, how disconnected i am from my family. that one time back at christmas, when i talked to tammy about visiting grandpa with her, maybe going shopping... i've never called her. i'm scared of knowing my relatives beyond the holidays. i mean, that's how we do things. we talk at dinner, sit around the living room, then go back to our daily lives. we don't have any real involvement with each other. another example. that time i was at william's and listened to him and his cousin talk about all their relatives, about how every time their family gets together the women gossip about everyone. funk's sister walking in and out of the room adding comments in to what was obviously a long-running conversation. but i can't really have that kind of close-knit family feeling, not unless i really tried to change things. that's kind of why i liked i know this much is true. some guy comes from living alone in his little world of anger and self-involvement, finds his family and people that, despite not wanting to be around them, he sucks it up and meets the obligation anyway. he meets people that frame his life.

i suppose i do have that. jamie's a constant - she'll always be inviting me off to do something else, no matter how many times i turn down the offer. david's busy, but if i ever did call him, he'd find time. tuey, too. rj hasn't been around long enough for me to know if this will keep going, but i hope so. seeing him every day is mostly what's gotten me on this kick. it's being a part of his life, making him part of mine, that has me looking around at how everyone interacts, beyond the polite dinner-party behavior. yesterday ryan was telling me about how jamie yelled at him and scared him, and she butts in that he was being annoying. they can yell at each other, fight, bitch and complain to everyone else, and still be friends at the end of the day. i've never been in a fight with tuey - of course, she's not really the type of person to get mad at, since she never does anything to make people angry.

alright, i've got to work soon. enough of this mulling. it's not getting my anywhere anyways.

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

authority zero - one more minute

rj downloaded a bunch of songs onto my computer.. it's crazy ska-fest over at chelsea's! last night was another running around with him - best part was half-sleeping listening to the radio, talking to each other, my face smooshed into the headrest.

hey heads up, if i seem crankier or angrier more than usual, it's because my stress level is about to shoot through the roof. don't take it personally!

[edit] 10:20 pm

hey guess what! .... william is back! so as much as i love rj, he was really just taking the place of william while he was gone. so sunday (my first day off in weeks!) is william day! and the end of all this rj junk.

Sunday, April 24, 2005

words can't describe. pictures can! Posted by Hello

oh wow joy. Posted by Hello

offspring - i choose

When I was a teenager
Suckin' booze with the Vatos
Discussing who was gonna live to be 21
They said they wouldn't make it
They didn't make it
We're all naked when the day is said and done

alright. it's a beautiful day so i'll try to be quick, since i want to run out and play with whoever will run around and play with me. i'm thinking if tuey isn't working maybe we can go sit on the lawn at dash point. ahh, good times last summer down there. anyway.

so last night rj and i ended up driving around (big surprise! we only do it every other night.) but! something really awesomely fantastic happened! i can't quite put this into words that anyone will understand, but basically: fountain. bubbles. oh my god i died.

Friday, April 22, 2005

offspring - me and my old lady

ughhh what an aweful day! the FIT class took forever, 5 hours of talking about what you need to know before you can even take an instructor course. and i didn't have any food, either.

but since tuey doesn't love me and never called me back, i got to read a book for 2 hours straight after school. i've been reunited with an old love.

Thursday, April 21, 2005

offspring - walla walla

so yesterday lindsey calls me at 4:40 yelling at me to get my ass to the pool, it's a running day! i forgot about that when tuey and i went to the gym at 7 am. so i got to run twice yesterday! my entire body has been sluggish all day from it. i didn't feel like moving at all. and so of course, i've barely gotten more than an hour to sit.

there was the whole three essays in two hours thing. and the school thing. and the kitchen cleaning thing between that. and the work thing later. and then jamie's where i got free pizza, which was really the only reason i agreed to show up for an hour. (shhh don't tell her and ryan, or they'll be mad at me!) oh blah this day has been just a bunch of blah obligations.

the highlight! naturally. hanging out with rj. this time we went down to game farm park in auburn and wandered the trails along the river. he "taught" me how to skip rocks, then made me look like a fool for getting red paint on my butt. i also fell in love with him while he was bouncing on the log, waving his arms around going "whee!" he only did it for two seconds but it was priceless.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

deep sleep - dollar store CD

ew. i just found a bunch of stale saltines in my gym bag from about 3 months ago. trash! but seriously, today was free food day! i was telling ian about my cup-a-noodle problem (scott ate all but one of the bag my mom bought for me), and he pops up with "well hey, i totally have three beef cup-a-noodles just for you in the back of my car!" so. decision's final. this ian is way better than erika's ian, no matter how many shirts he gave me. also free, chanel and i got steve to help us rob the juice machine. the three of us ran into it until we got about 15 bottles. we stockpiled them all into my gym bag and ran away! haha. so then we sat around her apartment divying them up, eating chips and cheese dip.

ugh, get this. i am so jealous of her. chanel was all sad because her boyfriend said he couldn't come visit her that night, and when she called him he still wouldn't change his mind. so in the middle of our chip (oh, and ice cream) feast, someone starts knocking at the door. and guess who it is? john, with an armful of flowers! that girl has it so good.

anyway, this morning was good for me. i got up and went to school, thinking today was the day we had the practice ap test. (it's not, it's thursday.) so i sat around rowe's class for a few hours, talking to.. i think jessica? i feel so bad, i've been in the same classes with her for three years, and i've totally blanked on her name. i know i accidently called her kayla. oh well. it was cool, whenever we started talking about parties and mardi gras and other non-appropriate topics, rowe started going "lalala i'm not listening, not hearing this, lalala!"

after i finally left, i had about three hours all to myself in the house. i blasted opera, third eye blind, and my piano/guitar deep sleep CD. the window was open, a cool breeze was flowing through my room, and i kept refilling my cup of tea. i sat out on the back steps and contemplated our garden, imagining how it will look when the grass grows in. oh, NOTE TO SELF: get that vine to start wrapping around the bird feeder, it's starting to droop. but yeah, it was just a fantastically sunny and pretty afternoon. the night's beautiful, too, and it's times like these that
i really miss my dog. if he was still around, i'd grab the leash and go walking for the next 2 hours. take my piano CD with me.

i can't wait for florida!!!!! oh and because stephanie was awesome today, i have to mention her. we drove to auto zone and looked at seat covers, then sat at her table complaining about people. it was great! and she showed me her diablo game, which was really cool, but i don't think i could watch her play for hours on end.

eels - my beloved monster

my beloved monster and me
we go everywhere together

so. i don't know what to think... rj got leid at my house tonight (last night?), and he seemed pretty happy about it. but then he was all quiet when i drove him home. he was even rude about where i tried to park. i just... i don't know. maybe he'll call tomorrow.

... i really wish he knew about this blog. if he did, maybe he'd realize how much i like him. maybe things would start going the way i want them to. right now, i just don't know what to do.

Sunday, April 17, 2005

dispatch - lightning

luckily, i told my mom what time i had to work this morning. at 10:30 she pokes her head in and asks if i'm going to get up, then kept bugging me even though i (still sleeping) told her everything was okay. when i finally realized that my alarm wasn't going to go off, i shot out of bed, grabbed my stuff, and ran out the door.

all day was play day. after work, we all jumped in the pool and splashed around on the octopus (chanel got beat up when she got between me and bryce's fight.) we played jump or dive off the diving boards (belly flops and hilarious landings!) and chanel and i sang bleeder at the top of our lungs. when we finally left, we drove down to auburn. it was a simply gorgeous day. the whole time, i couldn't help it, i was only thinking about how great it'll be to do the same random driving in the same gorgeous area with someone else. (that's you, reub!) she showed me game farm park, where there are lots of forest trails and even a river! she told me about this place on green river where you can go tubing (it's even shallow enough for the non-swimmers.) we drove up suicide hill, which is scary, yes, but also very green and pretty on a sunny day. her boyfriend lives on bonney lake/lake tapps, so we also conspired to use him for his waterfront dock and wakeboarding boat. last, i got this summer's swimsuit from ross - i'll have to do a few adjustments before it's summer-worthy, but i'm sure my mom will show me how to use the sewing machine.

at home, my mom made me thai chicken curry and my dad showed me the shawl he got me from my grandma's. i'm not sure if i'll actually use it, but it's beautiful.

so, i suppose i should start mentioning my night life in here. it started with a random road trip to bremerton, but got about ten million times more interesting last tuesday when i went walking with rj. he'll probably get tired of being dragged around to obscure, mildly interesting places i've heard about, but until then he's my new favorite friend. tuesday we froze our asses off and then got denny's, nothing crazy exciting (except for the wolves.) last night though! it's one of those nights i'll be remembering ten years from now, reminiscing to myself about the good ol' days. i remember the two trips to alki beach and skinny dipping at steel lake from last summer. this will be the random driving outdoorsy adventure. seriously, this guy's fantastic. he probably doesn't realize how bad of a klepto i am, but it was his idea to steal the bale of hay. (!!!) awesome. really. we were out 'til about 5 am, just exploring different trails and forests and the beach with a flashlight. so, naturally, i'm making a huge list in my head of every other place possible that we could go to. (chanel says there's a mountain in enumclaw that's so flat, you can literally run up the trail.)

[edit] 8:59

i got this bright idea a week ago that i want to get a bruise on my arm. a big one. i've had chanel punch me in the shoulder a few times, but nothing happened. so today, every 5 or 10 minutes, i had her punch me. it's an experiment for us, really. we're trying all sorts of different techniques -- and i still won't bruise! what the hell is wrong with my arm, that it won't bruise?

Friday, April 15, 2005

smashing pumpkins - zero

that song is dedicated to tuey!!

ap lit freaked me out today. i realized it's not enough to have little discussions about books we read in class. if i'm going to be reading the classics independantly, i need to do a little research, too. so i've started looking up As I Lay Dying, since i loved it so much, but didn't really understand it at all.

The fragility and uncertainty of human existence is further illustrated at the end of the novel, when Anse introduces his new wife as “Mrs. Bundren,” a name that, until recently, has belonged to Addie. If the identity of Mrs. Bundren can be usurped so quickly, the inevitable conclusion is that any individual’s identity is equally unstable.

even though i'm totally ripping off sparknotes, i feel like faustus. i am all-knowing now.

i bought my prom dress!! oh wow, it is so pretty. i'm going to either lighten or darken my hair before prom, maybe cut it shorter too. and of course, buy some cheap flashy jewelry from claire's. shoes? i'm using the same ones i did when i went to prom freshman year.

[edit] 11:11 pm -- make a wish!!

it's official! when i said i was broke before, i was joking. now, i'm completely dead serious. i'll have about $50 to my name, after i pay for my plane ticket. but that's the beautiful part! i've got my plane ticket! i'm going to florida this summer!! (note to self: save $$. no more eating out. if i go hungry, that's okay. forget about new cd's and books and clothes -- tough it out. there's enough junk in that room, half of it'll have to be abandoned for college anyway.)

Thursday, April 14, 2005

lemonheads - the outdoor type

Always had a roof above me
Always paid the rent
but I've never set foot inside a tent
Can't build a fire to save my life
I lied about being the outdoor type

i've never slept out underneath the stars,
the closest that i came to that was one time my car
broke down for an hour in the suburbs at night
i lied about being the outdoor type.

Too scared to let you know you knew what you were looking for
I lied until I fit the bill god bless the great indoors
I lied about being the outdoor type
I've never owned a sleeping bag let alone a mountain bike

i can't go away with you on a rock climbing weekend
what if something's on tv and its never shown again
its just as well i'm not invited i'm afraid of heights
i lied about being the outdoor type

Never learned to swim can't grow a beard or even fight
I lied about being the outdoor type

first time i heard this song, ellie and i were driving around. the music shut up all conversation - the lyrics had us thralled, waiting for the next line. when it was over, we laughed joyously and agreed that it was one of the most fantastic songs ever. today, i went over to their apartment. ellie was sleeping again, and chanelle gave me lots of new pants.

work was hilarious! it's just the little day-to-day things that make it so great. we pried open the comment box (it's an end-of-session ritual). amy and bryce bitched endlessly about how messed up our work is, how our bosses know shit and all the wrong people are in charge. then they told me where to find a painting job (!)

went to taco bell with erika and ian. erika's such a sweety, she's decided we should be friends so we're going to start hangin' out on the weekends (when though? i have no time!) she tried to convince me to hang out with her 'n ian all the time, but one look at them and hell no, i will not be the third wheel. until i've got someone of my own to shove hot sauce in his face, it'll just have to wait.

highlight of the day! last night i got fed up with never eating and told my parents to go shopping (and i was very rude about it!) they tried calming me down and i bitched more. eventually they started in on how i don't keep a budget, so i walked away (again, rude.) now, tonight, i came home and my mom runs up and goes "chelsea! i'm so glad your home! look what i did!" and she goes through the fridge and pantry and bread box showing me all the things she bought for me to eat. bagels, spaghetti fixin's, ramen, apples 'n caramel dip (that's a first!), and she even bought a chicken for dinner and saved me a piece of pineapple cake! i scarfed down way too much food. i can't move. i ate half a loaf of french bread, it was that good.

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

alanis morisette - you learn

i recommend getting your heart trampeled on to anyone
i recommend walking around naked in your living room

oh yeah. excellent morning doing just that - no one was home, and the blinds are still closed for privacy from the landscapers. good things have been happening all day like that. jon asked me to cut his hair later, then tuey and i made plans to find me a prom dress. right as school gets out, i follow ian to his car. he dug around in his trunk and found me some beef ramen, since i'd been bitching about the whole hungry/broke/no food at home thing. it was awesome! so i drove home, windows down, classical music blasting, my hair whipping around my face. it felt fantastic. i sat out on a rock in the backyard, reading a book and eating my noodles. scott came out and told me to play my guitar instead, it'd be the cooler thing to do, but i flipped him off and told him to go back inside. tuey and jon both ended up bailing out on me, but i don't mind. it's nice sitting on my ass for a few hours.

[edit] 8:20 pm

@ the workplace. i know, i know, it's all i ever talk about. but it's all i have, really. my social life revolves around the pool. anyway, one of my kids made me homemade cookies, and another one drew me a picture! awwww. then lindsey and i tried to do the water walkway. scary shit man, we fell a lot. and the diving board, that was cool too, except i don't know how to dive. at all. it was funny and painful and filled with water up the nose. and jamie is, of course, the bestest girl to talk to ever.

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

everclear - santa monica

we can live beside the ocean
leave the fire behind
swim out past the breakers
watch the world die

running out to eric's car for jack in the box, i look up and see the prettiest sight ever: the crescent moon shining amid a bunch of bright, clear stars. and then i got to thinking about skinny dipping at steel lake last summer.. so i've decided that'll be my new hobby. once it warms up, of course. then i'll moon bathe every night at the lake.

i've been putting off coming home all day, but only because i've been looking forward to it so much.

Monday, April 11, 2005

alkaline trio - you've got so far to go

happy dance day!

play-by-play goes... did not want to wake up at 7:30, so i missed my early morning movie. instead, sat in bed for a few hours reading and sewing my pants (they're almost done!) i watched the hail fall and felt all nice 'n comfy, slowly waking up and getting ready for school.

school was lame. by the way. just a few more months...

but after! i visited my chanelle! poor ellie was sick on the futon, could barely move. chanelle says ellie misses me, and i miss her too, i just don't know if we'll ever be friends the way we were... anyway. chanelle bought me subway, we wandered the KCAC for a while, then went to dj's to see the puppies! awww. chanelle named one squash (or was it squish?) but they were cute! adorable! and then we stole a poster from freddie's. and i dropped her off and went to work, where one of my kids told me her favorite colors are blue, pink, and purple.

home, sewed the pants some more. they're almost done! but then i went downstairs and turned on the tv. and one of my movies was on. so i watched an affair to remember, and almost another one, but then i realized more than one classic movie a day spoils the fun.

in the next few days i need to: buy a prom dress, finish anais nin, take more pictures, finish pants, do laundry.

Mr. and Mrs. Comfort

Sunday, April 10, 2005

fiona apple - slow like honey

so. i was just about to start writing something here. but i decided to take a drink of water first. true to my clumsiness, about 3 drops made it in my mouth, the rest went straight down my shirt and into my lap. go me.

just out of nowhere today my mom goes "oh by the way, if you come home tomorrow and there are a bunch of mexicans standing around our house, it's cause we're having them work on the backyard." ... my mother is hilarious! and i'm excited to see what they'll do to the backyard. the kitchen, i knew a little bit what would happen. the front yard, i came home totally unaware of the little stone english garden wonderland. the most i know about the backyard is that they're trying to raise it, but by how much? the whole lawn, or just the part by then fence? it's crazy. it's like a mexican surprise box. every time i see that tadeo landscaping truck i feel happier.

fantastic weekend! i'll always remember waking up in sumner, walking out of this clean white concrete apartment complex into the blinding sun and a flat landscape. (it reminded me of idaho. i miss the sun so bad. florida's going to be great. and maybe a few road trips to idaho or montana this summer won't be so bad.) anyway. weekend. my other moment was walking across jeff's lawn in the am, cole like a moving mountain with all his stuff. the dew's on the lawn still, it's mighty chilly, and his neighbor's watching us from his garage while smoking a cigarette.

Thursday, April 07, 2005

miles davis - seven steps to heaven

'round 2 i filled up my tank and took a joy ride. ended up at a used book store in des moines, where the lady at the counter was playing norah jones and talking books with another customer. ... it was heaven, really. i sat and talked to them both for a nice long while, chatting authors and writing styles and old classics vs. modern classics. left with four new books. i started a spy in the house of love, with miles davis and billie holiday as my background noise. later, i baked an apple pie, making a floury mess all over the kitchen. now, i want to go out and get some coffee.

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

dispatch - mission

it's cool. these last few months, i've been coming to grips with who i really am, how i really want to be, and what i really want to do. i used to be feeling trapped and tied down to all sorts of obligations, expectations to live up to, certain ways to act and all that. now i'm just relaxing, accepting the down times, cherishing the up times. i spent the whole morning lazing around the house with a book glued in my hands; this afternoon i played "water polo" with lindsey and card games in jamie's basement.

anyway. i'm just excited for the next few years. i'll be in charge of myself; i'll finally have control over what i do, without going home at the end of the day to the obediant and reserved child image my parents expect. i can go home and laugh out loud at my reflection in the mirror, talk about whatever i want, not censor every thought that comes into my head.

saturday is tuey's birthday. it's going to be fantastic!

Monday, April 04, 2005

dropkick murphys - walk away

it's just a kick in the butt to think i might have had a chance, if i'd had more balls.

locked my keys in my car at work. got in a dunk fight in the pool with david and lindsey. (the other) david and i watched SNL at OSC and ate ice cream. brenda and i drove around, i lost all contact with reality while fantasizing about the books in the bookstore. (i might annoy david and stop at the used book store on the way back from OSC tomorrow.) louis made me jump and go "ah!" by appearing out of nowhere behind me at fred meyer.

Saturday, April 02, 2005

feist - still true

i like my covers to be heavy
so i don't get cold when i sleep
my love affairs always seem unsteady
and i never go half-way when i weep

(because i can't go straight to bed after a great day. i have to write about it first.)

first, the day stuff. um, school was dumb. i hated it. the day only started getting interesting when i begged tuey to get maggie moo's with me.. and she did! wonderful friends get fat together. haha. so we ate our ice cream and she went to work and as i was driving away i saw brian and ian in the truck... over at chanelle's, we smoked outside the club house waiting for the sauna to heat up, then sat and chatted over life stuff while we watched the temperature rise. it was only at 110 when i had to go to work.

jamie's back!!! i saw her through the windows at work and ran in, gave her a huge hug because i missed her so much! and she works every friday so, awesome! anyway, hilarious lifeguard stuff, like singing in the lobby and starting a mosh pit in the office. (i also might go visit david on sunday! exciting!) so after work i'd been planning to go home and sleep, but since jamie's home (!) i didn't have to. we went to her house and caught up on the last month, she told me alll about the dolphins and stuff. for my senior trip, i'm going to fly down to the keys and spend a week with her, playing in the florida sun. ryan brought a boy named will with him, and we drove up to seattle to show the boy the sights. (he's fresh from my old stompin' grounds of nampa, idaho) naturally, we took him to broadway. ate dick's, then spent about 2 hours in a fetish shop. jamie and i tried on a bunch of corsets... i've never been more tempted to buy something i'll never use. will found a device used to pierce a girl's clit.. it was scary... so.. i guess it doesn't sound like it took that long, but it was about 5 hours of seattle stuff. then we drove the long way home. and here i am, tired, on my way to the bed. but it's good. i'm happy. i'm really glad jamie's back; i was reunited with a lifestyle i'd forgotten about.