tony, at fred meyer!
Sunday, March 13, 2005
sebadoh - willing to wait
at the grocery store today, i got inspired. i call it fruitea day. lots of different fruits - plums, pears, oranges, tangerines, nectarines, magoes, star fruit, etc. and when i'm done i've got a dave tea waiting for me, plus the shoebox of assorted teas if i feel like a little more.
my fridge makes me happy. on the outside, a broken padlock held together by magnets - it looks tamper-proof, but really it's easier to break into than my car. on the inside! coke, snapple, marachino cherries, whipped cream, bottle of strawberry vodka ('cause dummy doesn't know the difference between strawberry and non-flavored), and LOTS of fruit! and one imitation mountain dew.
rearranged the room. it's spacious now. plus a bookcase replaced that wire cage thing i had.
my fridge makes me happy. on the outside, a broken padlock held together by magnets - it looks tamper-proof, but really it's easier to break into than my car. on the inside! coke, snapple, marachino cherries, whipped cream, bottle of strawberry vodka ('cause dummy doesn't know the difference between strawberry and non-flavored), and LOTS of fruit! and one imitation mountain dew.
rearranged the room. it's spacious now. plus a bookcase replaced that wire cage thing i had.
Thursday, March 10, 2005
pete yorn - ever fallen in love (cover)
they left us banana cream pie at the end of the night, a reward for 7.5 hours of boring boring boring and hell. i think they left it out too long. i feel ready to puke at any minute.
oh, the ignorant people i work with. "jazz isn't really black music." "okay, it's from america, but the french made it famous." .... my head just can't wrap around those statements. i'd go into it, but i just got done venting about it to scott, and all the exasperated mocking has gone out of me.
"sunday comes and all the papers say: 'ma teresa's joined the mob and happy with her full time job.'" oh yeah. primitive radio gods. must love.
my new goal for the summer: paint houses, find bookshelves. clear out room, get ready to live out of cardboard boxes.
oh, the ignorant people i work with. "jazz isn't really black music." "okay, it's from america, but the french made it famous." .... my head just can't wrap around those statements. i'd go into it, but i just got done venting about it to scott, and all the exasperated mocking has gone out of me.
"sunday comes and all the papers say: 'ma teresa's joined the mob and happy with her full time job.'" oh yeah. primitive radio gods. must love.
my new goal for the summer: paint houses, find bookshelves. clear out room, get ready to live out of cardboard boxes.
Tuesday, March 08, 2005
rem - karma police
in the parking lot, it was gorgeous. the air felt full and warm, the stars were visible through the scattered clouds. for a moment, it was good, then loneliness took over. emptiness and fatigue, overwhelming stress. i broke down in the car, sat with my dad and blew my nose while he talked to me. i remember when i used to hate him - now i don't know what i'd do without him.
i love the smell of the cherry trees in our yard, though. or are they plum? i don't know. they've got little pink flowers, and every yard in every neighborhood i've ever lived in has them. i wish they made a perfume like that. it's fresh and flowery, makes me feel refreshed, heady. i stood in the driveway arguing with myself, whether it would be better to go inside and talk to my dad or sit out on the stone bench, just smelling the flowers on the tree. i figured sitting by myself wouldn't cheer me up much.
i saw a boy on the bus today, with cuts up and down the inside of his arm. i wish i could talk to him. everyone else i know is so happy, content with where they are. i wish i knew someone who felt some the same.
other than all that. i went to the federal way pool and got officially, finally hired. craig wants me to start next week, mondays and wednesdays. i'm happy, excited about it all. except.. tomorrow i'm going to talk to tait during lunch. he hires students over the summer to paint houses. it's been a goal of mine forever, to paint houses for a summer. even if i have to piss off everyone i work with by quitting, i'll do it.
i love the smell of the cherry trees in our yard, though. or are they plum? i don't know. they've got little pink flowers, and every yard in every neighborhood i've ever lived in has them. i wish they made a perfume like that. it's fresh and flowery, makes me feel refreshed, heady. i stood in the driveway arguing with myself, whether it would be better to go inside and talk to my dad or sit out on the stone bench, just smelling the flowers on the tree. i figured sitting by myself wouldn't cheer me up much.
i saw a boy on the bus today, with cuts up and down the inside of his arm. i wish i could talk to him. everyone else i know is so happy, content with where they are. i wish i knew someone who felt some the same.
other than all that. i went to the federal way pool and got officially, finally hired. craig wants me to start next week, mondays and wednesdays. i'm happy, excited about it all. except.. tomorrow i'm going to talk to tait during lunch. he hires students over the summer to paint houses. it's been a goal of mine forever, to paint houses for a summer. even if i have to piss off everyone i work with by quitting, i'll do it.
Monday, March 07, 2005
dispatch - the general
drove home, sublimely content. i'd spent the day planning a picnic with chanel, scrounging change for drinks and getting lost looking for a beach. back at ozz's, we got preached to by a 50 year old homeless woman. we ran through the parking lot at work, giving piggy back rides and wet willies.
it's almost summer, sort of. sunny weather, at least. so i'd busted out the 311. the roads were empty, my window was down, and the rockin' sounds of reggae filled my ears. and out of nowhere, some brief flash of a memory came to me. elaina and i, agreeing to "never talk about this night again." we'd both been embarassed and depressed, feeling worthless and dumb... but i can't remember why. maybe we'd been planning something, and it had fell through? i don't remember! i need to call and ask her what it was. nothing incest-y, gross you, stop thinking that.
edit: 10:00
elaina has no idea either. she remembers that sequence too, us running from my car into the house laughing, agreeing that we'd be losers forever if anyone ever found out. but she doesn't know either!! argh!
it's almost summer, sort of. sunny weather, at least. so i'd busted out the 311. the roads were empty, my window was down, and the rockin' sounds of reggae filled my ears. and out of nowhere, some brief flash of a memory came to me. elaina and i, agreeing to "never talk about this night again." we'd both been embarassed and depressed, feeling worthless and dumb... but i can't remember why. maybe we'd been planning something, and it had fell through? i don't remember! i need to call and ask her what it was. nothing incest-y, gross you, stop thinking that.
edit: 10:00
elaina has no idea either. she remembers that sequence too, us running from my car into the house laughing, agreeing that we'd be losers forever if anyone ever found out. but she doesn't know either!! argh!
Saturday, March 05, 2005
mike doughty - looks
when i was little, i'd get irrationally angry at everyone around me. i had nowhere to vent that anger. so i'd lock peabody in my room, and hit and kick him in the ribs until i felt better.
i can still see how he'd cower in a corner, trying to get away.
eventually i'd stop, stop seeing only my anger and start seeing the hurt i'd caused. i'd drop to the floor and pull him into my arms, crying and hating myself for what i'd just done.
i stopped doing it when i got older. but i still get filled with that anger, that irrational vengefulness that has no direction. i'm afraid of what i might do someday.
i can still see how he'd cower in a corner, trying to get away.
eventually i'd stop, stop seeing only my anger and start seeing the hurt i'd caused. i'd drop to the floor and pull him into my arms, crying and hating myself for what i'd just done.
i stopped doing it when i got older. but i still get filled with that anger, that irrational vengefulness that has no direction. i'm afraid of what i might do someday.
Wednesday, March 02, 2005
coheed and cambria - neverender
i figured out how to fix my fridge!!! the whole padlock thing wasn't working, complications with the glue and the shape of the piece i was trying to attach.. i won't bore you... but basically i attacked the giant clump of ice with my hair dryer. i'll leave the lock to dry over the weekend now that the door shuts, and voila! super-defensive fridge!
okay, so you might know what my dad looks like. he's pretty much been that way my whole life. but digging around in the fire-proof box today, i found his old passport and.. well.. i'm shocked. when i get back on saturday, i'll hunt it down and scan his picture for you all. he looks shockingly... normal. young and handsome. i've never seen any pictures of him like that - all the ones i've seen jump from toddler-dad to bald-dad. actual proof that he used to be a gangly teenager makes me look at him in a completely new perspective. as well as fear what i'll look like when i'm older, if such a drastic change can happen in only a few years.
okay, so you might know what my dad looks like. he's pretty much been that way my whole life. but digging around in the fire-proof box today, i found his old passport and.. well.. i'm shocked. when i get back on saturday, i'll hunt it down and scan his picture for you all. he looks shockingly... normal. young and handsome. i've never seen any pictures of him like that - all the ones i've seen jump from toddler-dad to bald-dad. actual proof that he used to be a gangly teenager makes me look at him in a completely new perspective. as well as fear what i'll look like when i'm older, if such a drastic change can happen in only a few years.
Tuesday, March 01, 2005
talking with the papa today. sat on the arm chair and looked over his shoulder as we tried to research psychologists. was telling him about my current state of mind, and he told me to research what psychologists call "the fugue state."
A fugue state (also known as a 'psychogenic fugue' or 'dissociative fugue') is a term in psychology which describes a state of mind where a person experiences a dissociative break in identity and attempts to run away from some perceived threat, usually something abstract such as the person's identity. People who enter into a fugue state may disappear, running away to a completely different geographical region and assuming another identity. A bewildered facial expression is a common symptom of the condition that can involve both physical and psychological escape from a stressful environment.
A fugue state is often triggered by stress. The condition often follows interpersonal events in which a person is exposed to rage, threats to their self-esteem, and challenges to habitual patterns of impulse control.
A fugue state (also known as a 'psychogenic fugue' or 'dissociative fugue') is a term in psychology which describes a state of mind where a person experiences a dissociative break in identity and attempts to run away from some perceived threat, usually something abstract such as the person's identity. People who enter into a fugue state may disappear, running away to a completely different geographical region and assuming another identity. A bewildered facial expression is a common symptom of the condition that can involve both physical and psychological escape from a stressful environment.
A fugue state is often triggered by stress. The condition often follows interpersonal events in which a person is exposed to rage, threats to their self-esteem, and challenges to habitual patterns of impulse control.
oh wikipedia, you know me so well.
leslie gave me a poem by maya angelou this morning. phenomenal woman. it was the perfect remedy for last night's "ugh i'm such a lame butt" feeling.
It's the fire in my eyes,
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing in my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
yes!
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