Sunday, January 23, 2005

vendetta red - summer

life is going to be okay.

i was having one of those blah days. where i couldn't see any future for myself. i've been nowhere, done nothing, i've made no impact on the world around me. i have no stories to tell, no people who've been made better by knowing me. it was aweful. i wanted to cry, but i couldn't. i just felt numb all over. ... i cleaned my room. sat and tried to do homework, but i couldn't focus. i didn't want to talk to anyone; i just wanted to curl up and sleep forever.

i don't know what i'd do without liz. she came over and talked to me for a while, left me to sleep. i got a few hours in, talked to chanel on the phone while i was still half-asleep. i don't remember exactly what i said, but i think it was rude... i called and apologized when i woke up again. liz and i got coffee together. we sat on the padded chairs and talked. well, mostly she did. but it gave me the determination to try again. it doesn't matter if i can't find people i belong with. all that matters is i keep looking. and when it doesn't work out, i can't let it bother me. life goes on. one moment doesn't determine the rest of my life.

so we went to the store. and we got useless items. i guess that's all i need to pick me up. ever since i was a little kid. why am i surprised i've turned out this way? it was so obvious.

our youth is fleeting
old age is just around the bend
and i can't wait to go grey

and i'll sit and wonder
of every love that could've been
if i'd only thought of something charming to say

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