"And I came upon a doctor
who appeared in quite poor health
I said, "there's nothing I can do for you, you can't do for yourself"
He said, "oh yes you can, just hold my hand, I think that that would help"
So i sat with him a while and i asked him how he felt
he said, "I think I'm cured, no infact I'm sure of it
thank you stranger... for your theraputic smile."
So that's how I learned the lesson
that everyone's alone
And your eyes must do some raining
if you're ever gonna grow
When crying don't help, you can't compose yourself,
it's best to compose a poem
An honest verse of longing
or a simple song of hope"
my life is composed to song lyrics these days. i wish i could make everyone i know listen to all these endless songs, make them understand the moments of complete understanding they give me. on the bus from osc, this song made me realize how disconnected people are from each other, and how easily a simple smile or kind look could change a person's day. if everyone made an effort, life wouldn't be such a daily struggle.
sociology today, the teacher confuses the hell out of me. she does it a lot. i think she wants to be my friend or something, i'm not sure, but she basically contradicts everything i say. in an essay i wrote earlier this year, i self-deprecatingly wrote that i'm self-centered. which i am. running joke with tuey about that. and she says that i shouldn't be so hard on myself, which i laugh about because i know it's true. (see, all our conversations go like this: she tries to say something nice/meaningful, i don't care but keep talking to her because it always reminds me of something else.) she says things like how i seem like the kind of person who has a lot of potential in life. i tell her about my brothers' theory about my future (they think i've done more with my life than they have, and that i'll keep doing amazing things). and she tells me not to be so arrogant. ...
but she was right about one thing. i need to be less hard on myself. i think things through too much, worry about the future constantly. the other night i sat outside and smoked with the eldest, and i told him everything i've been afraid to admit to my friends. he helped me out a lot, reassured me that i'm not going to end up clinically depressed when i hit 20. so all day i've been borderlining it, but after running (i failed. smoker's cough whupped my ass.) and eating, i feel better. work cheered me up again. (once i get the pictures from amy, you'll see why.)
tomorrow i'm going to get up early and go to the library the second it opens. i'll do my english and be prepared for class. (story about yesterday next paragraph!) i'm not going to slack and fill my life with meaningless hours anymore.. guess i'll have to abandon this thing for a while... it'll be hard, but i need something or i'm going to slip through the cracks.
anyway, about yesterday. it was rough. for some crazy stupid reason, i got stoned with ellie and mike during lunch. paranoid as fuck sitting in carda's class with them, tuey, and brandon. i wish i'd just stayed at third lunch and let it blow over in a corner, but oh well. ap lit was one of the most intense classes of my life. i found the underlying links behind everything i do, everyone i know, and what it all means for our futures. i realized my biggest failure as a person. i got completely lost when she gave an assignment. thank god for ian, yeah? i have endless respect for him. if i ever hear anyone say shit about him, i will kick their ass. he's confidant, smart, not afraid to be who he really is. i'd kill to accept my geekside the way he has.
different topic. my grandma's finally getting rid of her 20 year old bright orange cargo van. two seater. no windows. carpeted inside (walls and ceiling, yes!). it's huge! brent's been talking about owning it for years, but my parents offered it to me last night. i said no.. brent would kill me.. and i wouldn't be able to handle that much of a car with all the driving i do. but next year? he's going to have it all summer. he'll name it and everything. so when freshman year comes around, i'll be the cool chick driving around in (whatever he names the beast), and upperclassmen will know me by association. it's his party/ski/road-tripping bus. he'll drive it everywhere. cops will know him by the van. and i'll go for grocery runs with it.