horrible blues all day long. constantly fighting off anxiety, not sure over what. bus ride back to decatur, listening to the shins, overcome with the pointlessness of everything. i can't adequately describe it. imagining the future for me, ellie, tuey. chanel. brandon. that boy i drove home last night. where does it all lead? why do we even try?
i'm going to be front-porch rocker. old lady with tons of cats. i'll have no stories to tell, no dead husband and distant grandkids. i'll abandon everyone i've ever loved in favor of my solitude, my books and music. i'll destroy my cable box, use my tv only for art and foreign films. my house will be a blank slate, dedicated to my dreams of the 60's.
bought tim wolfe's the electric kool-aid acid test. been reading it non-stop. can't put it down. refuse to put it down. i want to live on parry lane, sit in the trees and sleep on mattresses under the stars. i want to be there when LSD first came around, before anyone knew what it was, when it was new and it meant life. i was born 30 years too late, living in a generation of electronics and consumption. life is a void. the people i see every day, talk to every chance i get. they're all strangers. it's all a game, and i'm wondering when it'll all become real, substantial.
scott says i've got senior year blues. i believe him. i feel ready to burst open if something doesn't happen; all this waiting around is killing me.
so that's why i'm going on a pre-work run. maybe it'll calm some of these frayed nerves.