jimmy eat world - seventeen

the cookies turned out... iffish.
the running didn't happen. of course. i knew it wouldn't the moment we stopped at chanel's cousin's to pick up some furniture.
we scared a stoned highschooler with our drum!
when we walked to the store, i realized i was glad we hadn't gone running. muckleshoot is the scariest place in the world to be a suburban white girl outside her car. the drunk mexican had the funniest accent in the world, but when he followed us into the store it got a little tense.
i love chanel's apartment. it's dirty like mad, and she lets me help clean it! we spent the whole afternoon vacuuming, sweeping, throwing stuff out and hiding things in the closet.
right, so back in the day when sam said i was a natural at driving a stickshift? ... he was wrong. chanel let me drive the honda and while i didn't completely kill us, it wasn't perfection either.
baking cookies was serious zen for me. thursday got me in the mood, hot rod circuit made me fall in love. i can't wait for her housewarming party. i'm bringing a cartload of candles.
honestly, i get through every day just by reminding myself how soon this will all be over. semester, summer, and i'm gone. high school isn't bad, i guess, it's just not good. it's not where i want to be. it's not what i want to be doing.

11:20 - so what do i want to be doing?

i want to be around people who aren't afraid to be serious. i want to sit in a coffee shop and discuss religion, politics, current fashions and modes of thinking for hours on end, without wondering if i'm boring the person on the other end. without wondering if they're just begging for me to shut up so they can go break something or laugh at someone's misfortune.
i don't want to be afraid to experiment.
i want to cook a dinner for my friends while listening to jazz music. i want to slow dance in the middle of a candlelit room.
i want to get lost in the suburbs, walk for hours along rows of cookie-cutter houses. i want to come home to my friends, not because they're waiting for me, but simply because that's where they belong.
i want to go to burning man! i want to be around people who wouldn't be afraid of burning man.
i want to live a life that involves mind-altering substances, but doesn't revolve around them. "trip to live, don't live to trip." i want to experience that mindset, to share stories that end with a moral or a changed viewpoint. i want someone to mold me. i want to mold someone else.
i want to giggle like a 5 year old girl and twirl around in a sun dress. i want to fingerpaint in the sun, get paint on my clothes and run through a sprinkler without worrying about my hair, my mascara. i want to do it with someone who won't remind me about my hair, my mascara.