odd series of events the whole day long. i've felt very disconnected from what happens around me ever since i woke up (especially since i woke up?). when i finally got home, i walk in the door and everyone in the house is up. parents had forgotten i'd be spending the night at chanel's, but at the same time weren't freaking out that i'd been gone (which was odd.) i gave scott a ride to the bus before coming home and falling asleep for real, since i'd been half-awake the whole night. weird dreams, but in a good way. dreaming is the way our subconscious sorts through our thoughts and memories - so it was like reliving everything from the past few weeks, plus what i wish had happened or what i want in the future.
ate some crackers. called tuey. watched tv. chanel and ellie called and begged me to come over.
i guess ellie and i are on our way back to being friends again. i can see it coming. every time, we gradually get used to being around each other again, gradually get back into talking to each other and talking about what's going on. so today, after chanel left with mike to buy some cigarettes, we stood in the kitchen and settled back into not hating each other. she turned on some funky african chant music, i made ramen, we scraped waffle batter off the counter and played pong on the ceiling.
at work, i sat in the office with lindsey and watched her sew up some jeans with silk. (fascinating, by the way. i think i'm going to re-work my wardrobe. maybe.) also got lots of hours to work over spring break.
this whole self-reflective state of mind settled in just a few minutes ago, while i was taping together the book ozz broke. i don't really know where my life is going. i don't know how i want it to go. i know there are ways i don't want to turn out (superficial, unattached to the people in my life. too bad it looks like i'm heading that way.) i don't want to be alone and cynical, but i don't want to be ignorant either. i'll never be randomly quirky and say things like "let's fly to jupiter in a ship made of carrots." i don't want to be either.
too bad i can't fully express this feeling i've got. they're not drugged and tired thoughts. they're not depressed and lonely. they're not uberly social and happy either. or content. or restless. mostly, i'm feeling vaguely anxious about where i'll be in a few years, and how i'm going to get there.
[edit 11:35]
doing homework right now, and oddly enough it's making me want to read the bible again. i don't know what i think about religion anymore, mostly because i don't feel like i need it in my life. it just doesn't make a difference in my day-to-day. (maybe i'm just a follower, never a free thinker, and the current trend is to ignore religion and focus on material possessions.) but the bible is still an amazing book. reading exodus (by leon uris, not the book of the bible) made me want to read the old testament again. anyway. the whole point of this. psalm 6. it's making my thoughts scatter randomly. it makes me feel lost and alone. it makes me think of too many bright eyes song lyrics. stuff like: (and i have no faith / but it's all i want / to be loved.) also, it makes me want to be a part of some greater purpose. i want to work for a cause, join the peace corps or.. something.. just to feel like there's a reason for what i do, rather than struggling toward nothing. ... right. homework.
Wednesday, March 30, 2005
Sunday, March 27, 2005
lawrence arms - nebraska
hey mike i wish i could help you figure something out
but it's been too long since we spoke
your sarcasm radiates unhappiness
so withdrawn and rooted deep inside
are you content at twenty-seven
were you hopeful at 17?
a void the size of oceans stretches out between us
i guess our blood is suppose to be a bridge
can you pull yourself up from this self hatred
can you pull yourself up
frustrations driven you to angry dreams
let nebraska disappear in golden flames of grain
i know you can't imagine having company right now
there's a world of tired faces that understand this pain
there's a better life waiting on the outside
of these decaying walls
your bitterness doesn't surprise me
as these pointless days go screaming by
rejected sour eyes can't imagine blue skies
i wish you could find something to live for
besides the agony of bleeding towards the last breath
i truly believe that you want more than this (this is killing you)
that what you want is very simple
somehow so complex to get
please don't hate yourself.
... i left my bike at work. oops.
mom wants to go see a girly movie with me next weekend. ugghhh but i don't like any of the movies that are out... maybe i can get her to watch gone with the wind instead.
but it's been too long since we spoke
your sarcasm radiates unhappiness
so withdrawn and rooted deep inside
are you content at twenty-seven
were you hopeful at 17?
a void the size of oceans stretches out between us
i guess our blood is suppose to be a bridge
can you pull yourself up from this self hatred
can you pull yourself up
frustrations driven you to angry dreams
let nebraska disappear in golden flames of grain
i know you can't imagine having company right now
there's a world of tired faces that understand this pain
there's a better life waiting on the outside
of these decaying walls
your bitterness doesn't surprise me
as these pointless days go screaming by
rejected sour eyes can't imagine blue skies
i wish you could find something to live for
besides the agony of bleeding towards the last breath
i truly believe that you want more than this (this is killing you)
that what you want is very simple
somehow so complex to get
please don't hate yourself.
... i left my bike at work. oops.
mom wants to go see a girly movie with me next weekend. ugghhh but i don't like any of the movies that are out... maybe i can get her to watch gone with the wind instead.
Saturday, March 26, 2005
dispatch - bats in the belfry
i have a crazy idiosyncrasy
it's affinity to serendipity
and in this eternal epiphany
no hypocracy or duplicity
turns out, crisco goes bad after a year. and if you cook with 5 year old crisco... it doesn't smell too good. don't worry, i've got the fan running and a few windows open.
after spending the day with my mom, it broke my heart to see her crying alone in the dark. i left for maybe 30 minutes to buy some apples.. and somehow my dad and brothers managed to treat her like shit without even realizing it. my mom.. i'm protective of her. she's fragile, even if she doesn't seem like it. she can be a raging bitch when she wants to be. but she's never lived on her own. (ever.) she was sheltered her whole life. she thinks there's only one way to be safe and happy. (when i say "stop thinking everyone wants to rape you," she's the one who inspired me.) i just don't think she'll be able to take care of herself. i always want to go in and fix all her problems for her. i wanted to kick my dad for making her cry. he didn't even know she was upset. and when i told him, he said "what, did she get her hair cut and i didn't notice? is that it?" ass.
it's affinity to serendipity
and in this eternal epiphany
no hypocracy or duplicity
turns out, crisco goes bad after a year. and if you cook with 5 year old crisco... it doesn't smell too good. don't worry, i've got the fan running and a few windows open.
after spending the day with my mom, it broke my heart to see her crying alone in the dark. i left for maybe 30 minutes to buy some apples.. and somehow my dad and brothers managed to treat her like shit without even realizing it. my mom.. i'm protective of her. she's fragile, even if she doesn't seem like it. she can be a raging bitch when she wants to be. but she's never lived on her own. (ever.) she was sheltered her whole life. she thinks there's only one way to be safe and happy. (when i say "stop thinking everyone wants to rape you," she's the one who inspired me.) i just don't think she'll be able to take care of herself. i always want to go in and fix all her problems for her. i wanted to kick my dad for making her cry. he didn't even know she was upset. and when i told him, he said "what, did she get her hair cut and i didn't notice? is that it?" ass.
Friday, March 25, 2005
hot water music - at the end of a gun
weekend to-do list :
laundry (think it's impossible for me to run out of clothes? wrong. 3 loads worth, easy.)
clean room ('course, by doing laundry, this will happen naturally)
bake apple pie (focus on timing! can it be done in 90 minutes??)
doctor! (please don't let this be strep. i'll kick chanel so hard.)
read candide, chinese cinderella, love in the time of cholera, and slaughterhouse-five. in that order.
do candide research project. (easy.)
and i think there was something else.. but.. oh well.
laundry (think it's impossible for me to run out of clothes? wrong. 3 loads worth, easy.)
clean room ('course, by doing laundry, this will happen naturally)
bake apple pie (focus on timing! can it be done in 90 minutes??)
doctor! (please don't let this be strep. i'll kick chanel so hard.)
read candide, chinese cinderella, love in the time of cholera, and slaughterhouse-five. in that order.
do candide research project. (easy.)
and i think there was something else.. but.. oh well.
bright eyes - poison oak
Now I’m drunk as hell on a piano bench
And when I press the keys
It all gets reversed
The sound of loneliness makes me happier
ohh man guys! awesome story for the night! i'll be shouting it from the top of my lungs tomorrow, but if you don't hear it then, here's the basics: impulsive decision, coffee burnt my tongue, car wouldn't start, i'm out $129.96, and i'm not sure how much to tell my parents. HA!
as for everything else, i think i'm going to clean my room before work tomorrow. and hey, i was telling myself i should start riding my bike to work anyway - now i'll actually do it!
And when I press the keys
It all gets reversed
The sound of loneliness makes me happier
ohh man guys! awesome story for the night! i'll be shouting it from the top of my lungs tomorrow, but if you don't hear it then, here's the basics: impulsive decision, coffee burnt my tongue, car wouldn't start, i'm out $129.96, and i'm not sure how much to tell my parents. HA!
as for everything else, i think i'm going to clean my room before work tomorrow. and hey, i was telling myself i should start riding my bike to work anyway - now i'll actually do it!
Wednesday, March 23, 2005
eels - climbing to the moon
got a sky that looks like heaven
got an earth that looks like shit
and it's getting hard to tell where
what i am ends
and what they're making me begins
feeling good and strong! since i pretty much live at the two pools now, i've taken to swimming every day. i've already improved my stamina - i can keep my breathing stable a lot longer than i could the first day! plus lindsey taught me how to do a flip turn, so i'm getting better at that, too. since swimming isn't a resistance workout, my muscles don't ache as much as they did after crew.. and it's a lot easier to get myself to do, since i'm already in the pool. i miss running, but every time i try picking it up again, i get sicker than before. so, we'll see how it goes.
other than that... really... nothing exciting has really been happening. school drags on and on, less interesting every day. i've taken to sitting in the library and reading during lunches instead of being around people. it's a seperation thing. i'm between places - my mind is dead set on anywhere but here, and here is the only place i can be right now. the little stuff keeps me going - david offering to buy me shoes, listening to third eye blind on the bus. i was looking at the trees along the side of the road today, and had a flashback to a childhood fantasy of mine. i wanted to live all alone in a wood cottage with a wide porch, the red-bark trees all around the house. i'd hang a hammock in the trees to sleep at night, explore the wilderness during the day. there'd be a tropical beach just a little ways off. and i would have a pet wolf. aww, i was such a reclusive little kid.
got an earth that looks like shit
and it's getting hard to tell where
what i am ends
and what they're making me begins
feeling good and strong! since i pretty much live at the two pools now, i've taken to swimming every day. i've already improved my stamina - i can keep my breathing stable a lot longer than i could the first day! plus lindsey taught me how to do a flip turn, so i'm getting better at that, too. since swimming isn't a resistance workout, my muscles don't ache as much as they did after crew.. and it's a lot easier to get myself to do, since i'm already in the pool. i miss running, but every time i try picking it up again, i get sicker than before. so, we'll see how it goes.
other than that... really... nothing exciting has really been happening. school drags on and on, less interesting every day. i've taken to sitting in the library and reading during lunches instead of being around people. it's a seperation thing. i'm between places - my mind is dead set on anywhere but here, and here is the only place i can be right now. the little stuff keeps me going - david offering to buy me shoes, listening to third eye blind on the bus. i was looking at the trees along the side of the road today, and had a flashback to a childhood fantasy of mine. i wanted to live all alone in a wood cottage with a wide porch, the red-bark trees all around the house. i'd hang a hammock in the trees to sleep at night, explore the wilderness during the day. there'd be a tropical beach just a little ways off. and i would have a pet wolf. aww, i was such a reclusive little kid.
Monday, March 21, 2005
dispatch - two coins
i stick loneliness
your lips
and the two coins of your eyes
into my pocket, yeah.
rahhhh! bitches, my brother is back!! total extreme awesomeness all day, just because i knew he was at home. so great mood, naturally. heck, even the other day when i went to pick him up. he had a toothbrush sticking out of his mouth, but i still ran up and gave him a great big hug. talked to his roommates for a little bit - vince says my initiation is to steal them a vacuum, so they can clean. pft, easy.
anyway. work - had an awesome cigarette break with rob. we chatted about work issues and the guy who died on friday. nothing extraordinary, but it was still cool standing out by the dog legs, smoking, talking to this guy i rarely ever get to see.
then after! oh man extreme. tuey and i went for ice cream, but maggie moo's was closed!! and mark wouldn't let us in, that jerk. so we ran to baskin 'n robbins, got our ice cream there, then drove back and rubbed it in his face. he came out and was all like "i can't help it, i already closed out. but at least you didn't go to cold stone!" great fun.
then after that! brent and i went to the pool hall. hurrah! we played for about an hour, and he gave me the ultimate compliment: "you've gotten a lot better." i almost beat him every time. we'd each have one ball on the table, then he'd come in and win.
also, fantastic moment of older-brother-protectiveness. i get to look forward to this a lot next year at all the parties. we're getting in the car and he's talking about how he wanted to jam the pool stick into ira's face for the way he was staring at my butt every time i'd take a shot. guys are skeezes, i'm used to it, but it's hilarious how brent gets all pissy about it.
so now, bed, and tomorrow, wearing the same shirt again.
your lips
and the two coins of your eyes
into my pocket, yeah.
rahhhh! bitches, my brother is back!! total extreme awesomeness all day, just because i knew he was at home. so great mood, naturally. heck, even the other day when i went to pick him up. he had a toothbrush sticking out of his mouth, but i still ran up and gave him a great big hug. talked to his roommates for a little bit - vince says my initiation is to steal them a vacuum, so they can clean. pft, easy.
anyway. work - had an awesome cigarette break with rob. we chatted about work issues and the guy who died on friday. nothing extraordinary, but it was still cool standing out by the dog legs, smoking, talking to this guy i rarely ever get to see.
then after! oh man extreme. tuey and i went for ice cream, but maggie moo's was closed!! and mark wouldn't let us in, that jerk. so we ran to baskin 'n robbins, got our ice cream there, then drove back and rubbed it in his face. he came out and was all like "i can't help it, i already closed out. but at least you didn't go to cold stone!" great fun.
then after that! brent and i went to the pool hall. hurrah! we played for about an hour, and he gave me the ultimate compliment: "you've gotten a lot better." i almost beat him every time. we'd each have one ball on the table, then he'd come in and win.
also, fantastic moment of older-brother-protectiveness. i get to look forward to this a lot next year at all the parties. we're getting in the car and he's talking about how he wanted to jam the pool stick into ira's face for the way he was staring at my butt every time i'd take a shot. guys are skeezes, i'm used to it, but it's hilarious how brent gets all pissy about it.
so now, bed, and tomorrow, wearing the same shirt again.
Thursday, March 17, 2005
the weakerthans - left and leaving
My city's still breathing (but barely it's true)
through buildings gone missing like teeth.
The sidewalks are watching me think about you,
all sparkled with broken glass.
I'm back with scars to show.
Back with the streets I know.
They never take me anywhere but here.
Those stains in the carpet, this drink in my hand,
these strangers whose faces I know.
We meet here for our dress-rehearsal to say I wanted it this way
and wait for the year to drown.
Spring forward, fall back down.
I'm trying not to wonder where you are.
All this time lingers, undefined.
Someone choose who's left and who's leaving.
Memory will rust and erode into lists of all that you gave me:
a blanket, some matches, this pain in my chest,
the best parts of Lonely, duct-tape and soldered wires,
new words for old desires,
and every birthday card I threw away.
I wait in 4/4 time.
Count yellow highway lines that you're relying on to lead you home.
whoaa, i am tired. working every day, plus school, plus the whole staying out late every night and only sleeping in the afternoon thing.. well, it hasn't really caught up with me where i'm going to crash, but i'm feeling it. and loving it.
today felt great, even though it's just a repeat of every other day. feeling empowered by my satisfied alone time, until i actually have to face other people and feel all anti-social about it. but! brent is coming home for spring break this week! i'm excited!
man, i just can't get over this. tommy thinks i dressed up. chanel says my hair looks elegant. even my mom thought i put a little extra effort in to look nice. the truth? i fell asleep after work with wet hair, then didn't want to get up and take a shower. so i slept in, threw on clothes from the bottom of the dirty laundry basket, and called it good. it's times like this when lines from ego tripping flow through my head.
through buildings gone missing like teeth.
The sidewalks are watching me think about you,
all sparkled with broken glass.
I'm back with scars to show.
Back with the streets I know.
They never take me anywhere but here.
Those stains in the carpet, this drink in my hand,
these strangers whose faces I know.
We meet here for our dress-rehearsal to say I wanted it this way
and wait for the year to drown.
Spring forward, fall back down.
I'm trying not to wonder where you are.
All this time lingers, undefined.
Someone choose who's left and who's leaving.
Memory will rust and erode into lists of all that you gave me:
a blanket, some matches, this pain in my chest,
the best parts of Lonely, duct-tape and soldered wires,
new words for old desires,
and every birthday card I threw away.
I wait in 4/4 time.
Count yellow highway lines that you're relying on to lead you home.
whoaa, i am tired. working every day, plus school, plus the whole staying out late every night and only sleeping in the afternoon thing.. well, it hasn't really caught up with me where i'm going to crash, but i'm feeling it. and loving it.
today felt great, even though it's just a repeat of every other day. feeling empowered by my satisfied alone time, until i actually have to face other people and feel all anti-social about it. but! brent is coming home for spring break this week! i'm excited!
man, i just can't get over this. tommy thinks i dressed up. chanel says my hair looks elegant. even my mom thought i put a little extra effort in to look nice. the truth? i fell asleep after work with wet hair, then didn't want to get up and take a shower. so i slept in, threw on clothes from the bottom of the dirty laundry basket, and called it good. it's times like this when lines from ego tripping flow through my head.
Wednesday, March 16, 2005
sunny day real estate - seven
so before i pass out exhausted..
reading the news makes me sad. i mean, gee golly, why should we care about some silly wildlife refuge? who cares about the where the condition of our ecosystem is going - there's oil in them thar hills!
i've decided (again) that i desperately need to get a digital camera.
reading the news makes me sad. i mean, gee golly, why should we care about some silly wildlife refuge? who cares about the where the condition of our ecosystem is going - there's oil in them thar hills!
i've decided (again) that i desperately need to get a digital camera.
Monday, March 14, 2005
Sunday, March 13, 2005
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