Wednesday, March 30, 2005

putamaya presents: reggae around the world

odd series of events the whole day long. i've felt very disconnected from what happens around me ever since i woke up (especially since i woke up?). when i finally got home, i walk in the door and everyone in the house is up. parents had forgotten i'd be spending the night at chanel's, but at the same time weren't freaking out that i'd been gone (which was odd.) i gave scott a ride to the bus before coming home and falling asleep for real, since i'd been half-awake the whole night. weird dreams, but in a good way. dreaming is the way our subconscious sorts through our thoughts and memories - so it was like reliving everything from the past few weeks, plus what i wish had happened or what i want in the future.

ate some crackers. called tuey. watched tv. chanel and ellie called and begged me to come over.

i guess ellie and i are on our way back to being friends again. i can see it coming. every time, we gradually get used to being around each other again, gradually get back into talking to each other and talking about what's going on. so today, after chanel left with mike to buy some cigarettes, we stood in the kitchen and settled back into not hating each other. she turned on some funky african chant music, i made ramen, we scraped waffle batter off the counter and played pong on the ceiling.

at work, i sat in the office with lindsey and watched her sew up some jeans with silk. (fascinating, by the way. i think i'm going to re-work my wardrobe. maybe.) also got lots of hours to work over spring break.

this whole self-reflective state of mind settled in just a few minutes ago, while i was taping together the book ozz broke. i don't really know where my life is going. i don't know how i want it to go. i know there are ways i don't want to turn out (superficial, unattached to the people in my life. too bad it looks like i'm heading that way.) i don't want to be alone and cynical, but i don't want to be ignorant either. i'll never be randomly quirky and say things like "let's fly to jupiter in a ship made of carrots." i don't want to be either.

too bad i can't fully express this feeling i've got. they're not drugged and tired thoughts. they're not depressed and lonely. they're not uberly social and happy either. or content. or restless. mostly, i'm feeling vaguely anxious about where i'll be in a few years, and how i'm going to get there.

[edit 11:35]

doing homework right now, and oddly enough it's making me want to read the bible again. i don't know what i think about religion anymore, mostly because i don't feel like i need it in my life. it just doesn't make a difference in my day-to-day. (maybe i'm just a follower, never a free thinker, and the current trend is to ignore religion and focus on material possessions.) but the bible is still an amazing book. reading exodus (by leon uris, not the book of the bible) made me want to read the old testament again. anyway. the whole point of this. psalm 6. it's making my thoughts scatter randomly. it makes me feel lost and alone. it makes me think of too many bright eyes song lyrics. stuff like: (and i have no faith / but it's all i want / to be loved.) also, it makes me want to be a part of some greater purpose. i want to work for a cause, join the peace corps or.. something.. just to feel like there's a reason for what i do, rather than struggling toward nothing. ... right. homework.

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