Saturday, April 30, 2005

dispatch - railway

what can i possibly put in here? what would i actually want to write about?

this morning, about 3 minutes ago, i finished i know this much is true. that, and staying out late last night, has left me feeling a little light-headed. history, obligations, patience. three things i have no appreciation for. my mom was talking to me about cassandra's graduation this morning. i guess it's just been hitting me, how disconnected i am from my family. that one time back at christmas, when i talked to tammy about visiting grandpa with her, maybe going shopping... i've never called her. i'm scared of knowing my relatives beyond the holidays. i mean, that's how we do things. we talk at dinner, sit around the living room, then go back to our daily lives. we don't have any real involvement with each other. another example. that time i was at william's and listened to him and his cousin talk about all their relatives, about how every time their family gets together the women gossip about everyone. funk's sister walking in and out of the room adding comments in to what was obviously a long-running conversation. but i can't really have that kind of close-knit family feeling, not unless i really tried to change things. that's kind of why i liked i know this much is true. some guy comes from living alone in his little world of anger and self-involvement, finds his family and people that, despite not wanting to be around them, he sucks it up and meets the obligation anyway. he meets people that frame his life.

i suppose i do have that. jamie's a constant - she'll always be inviting me off to do something else, no matter how many times i turn down the offer. david's busy, but if i ever did call him, he'd find time. tuey, too. rj hasn't been around long enough for me to know if this will keep going, but i hope so. seeing him every day is mostly what's gotten me on this kick. it's being a part of his life, making him part of mine, that has me looking around at how everyone interacts, beyond the polite dinner-party behavior. yesterday ryan was telling me about how jamie yelled at him and scared him, and she butts in that he was being annoying. they can yell at each other, fight, bitch and complain to everyone else, and still be friends at the end of the day. i've never been in a fight with tuey - of course, she's not really the type of person to get mad at, since she never does anything to make people angry.

alright, i've got to work soon. enough of this mulling. it's not getting my anywhere anyways.

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